Discovering Autism at 29: What I Wish I'd Known

March 24, 2026

Get the Gravity Point® Book: https://www.gravitypointinstitute.com/publications

In this episode, Ashley shares the origin story behind Gravity Point®, told through the deeply personal experience of discovering her Autistic identity at 29 and spending the next decade learning what that actually meant for her body, her mind, and her relationships.

For most of her life, Ashley thought she was the problem. Her body kept breaking down despite doing everything right. She struggled with task switching, chronic fatigue, and communication patterns that confused the people around her.

She tried every solution available, and nothing worked. Not because she wasn't trying hard enough, but because she didn't yet understand how her Autistic brain and body actually worked. Once she did, everything began to shift. And the gaps she discovered in conventional stress and trauma models that failed to account for neurodivergent nervous systems, became the foundation for Gravity Point®.

In this episode, Ashley explores:

- The true meaning of Autism, and why understanding it as a state of being changes everything

- What discovering an Autistic identity at 29 actually looked like

- The difference between masking and authenticity, and the cost of spending years performing "normal"

- How neurotypical and neurodivergent people communicate differently

- Why task switching is genuinely hard for an autistic brain, and has nothing to do with being lazy

- The connection between Autism, hypermobility, and connective tissues that conventional fitness models completely miss

- Exactly how her experience revealed the gaps in conventional stress models, and inspired her to build a new one

If you've ever felt like you were working incredibly hard to function in a world that wasn't built for your brain, or wanted to better understand your own neurodivergent experience, this episode is for you.

🎧 FREE RESOURCE Download the Gravity Point® Guidebook for a clear overview of the 20 stress responses and the full stress response cycle: https://www.gravitypointinstitute.com/free-guidebook?utm_source=apple-spotify&utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=008&utm_id=podcast-2026

Learn More about the Gravity Point® Paradigm here: https://www.gravitypointinstitute.com/

Gravity Point® is an educational framework for understanding stress responses. It is not a substitute for medical care, mental health treatment, or therapy.

We respectfully acknowledge that we operate within the unceded ancestral territories of the Nisenan, Southern Maidu, Valley and Plains Miwok, and Patwin Wintun peoples, and the Wilton Rancheria.

Music by SugarTape via YouTube Audio

Episode Transcript

I WAS 29 YEARS OLD
AND HAD JUST MOVED FROM THE ICY BEACHES OF LAKE MICHIGAN IN CHICAGO
ILLINOIS TO THE SANDY SHORES OF CORPUS CHRISTI
TEXAS TO START MY PHD
DURING THE FIRST SEMESTER
I HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO TRAVEL OUT OF STATE WITH TWO PROFESSORS
FOR A NEUROFEEDBACK CERTIFICATION TRAINING
SO
NEUROFEEDBACK IS AN INTERVENTION THAT ALLOWS US TO NOTICE AND ASSESS
AND THEN ACTUALLY OPTIMIZE BRAIN PATTERNS
AND THIS CAN REALLY HELP WITH MENTAL AND PHYSICAL ISSUES
SO AS PART OF THE TRAINING
WE WERE TAUGHT TO USE A Q E E
G AND THIS IS A TEST THAT INVOLVES PUTTING A BUNCH
OF SENSORS ON YOUR SKULL TO MEASURE THE WAVE PATTERNS IN YOUR BRAIN
AND WE PRACTICED ON EACH OTHER TO GET SOME EXPERIENCE
NOW I HAVE A LOT OF HAIR
IT'S VERY VERY THICK
SO IT WAS KIND OF AN ORDEAL PASTING ALL THE SENSORS TO MY HEAD
AND KIND OF WEIRD HAVING PROFESSORS DO IT
BUT ONCE IT WAS UP AND RUNNING
IT WAS PRETTY COOL TO PLAY AROUND WITH IT
AND NOW THESE WERE JUST PRACTICE TESTS RIGHT
LIKE WE WERE JUST GAINING THAT EXPERIENCE
WE WERE NOT EXPECTING TO FIND ANYTHING SIGNIFICANT
BUT I DID
MY RESULTS CAME BACK WITH A VERY CLEAR INSTRUCTION TO PROBE FOR AUTISM
IT TURNS OUT THERE WERE WAVE PATTERNS IN MY BRAIN
RELATED TO THE EXECUTIVE FUNCTIONING
USUALLY FOUND IN AN AUTISTIC BRAIN
LIKE PERSEVERATION AND OTHERS
AT THE TIME I JUST KIND OF LAUGHED IT OFF AS INTERESTING
PARTLY BECAUSE I WAS WITH PROFESSORS WHO HAD JUST MET ME
BUT ALSO BECAUSE I WAS INTERESTED
LIKE EVEN HAVING THE WORD PERSEVERANCE FELT LIBERATING
BECAUSE IT FINALLY GAVE ME A NAME FOR WHY
IT'S REALLY TOUGH FOR ME TO MOVE ON WHEN THINGS ARE NOT
RESOLVED
BUT AS INTERESTING AS IT WAS
I HAD NO IDEA BACK THEN JUST HOW MUCH
DISCOVERING MY AUTISTIC IDENTITY WOULD CHANGE MY ENTIRE LIFE
AND HONESTLY I THINK THAT'S BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT IT TO CHANGE MY LIFE
I WANTED THIS INFORMATION TO BE SECONDARY
LIKE EVEN MAYBE A TERTIARY CHARACTERISTIC
LIKE JUST THIS COOL THING THAT I SHARED WITH OTHER PEOPLE AND
AND DIDN'T IMPACT ANYTHING
BUT OVER THE NEXT DECADE
I REALIZED THAT THAT WAS NOT GOING TO BE THE CASE
TURNS OUT BEING AUTISTIC IS A CENTRAL PART OF MY IDENTITY
WHEREAS
A LOT OF MY OTHER CHARACTERISTICS INFORM HOW THE WORLD EXPERIENCES ME
LIKE HOW I LOOK AND HOW I LIVE AND HOW I LOVE
BEING AUTISTIC ACTUALLY INFORMS THE ENTIRE WAY I EXPERIENCE THE WORLD
ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING THAT I FEEL AND THINK AND HOW I ACT LIKE IT
IS FILTERED THROUGH MY AUTISM
AND SADLY
IN TIME
I REALIZED JUST HOW DAMAGING IT HAD BEEN TO SPEND MY ENTIRE LIFE
NOT KNOWING
I WAS AUTISTIC
SO I SPENT MY LIFE NOT UNDERSTANDING HOW MY BRAIN AND BODY WORKED
AND IT I FORCED IT BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW ANY BETTER
TO DO ALL KINDS OF THINGS IT WAS NOT DESIGNED TO DO
AND WHEN IT WASN'T ABLE TO DO THE THINGS THAT I WAS FORCING
LIKE I FELT REALLY BROKEN
LIKE THERE WAS REALLY SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME
SO WHEN PEOPLE GOT MAD AT ME OR MAYBE CONFUSED
WHEN I WAS VERY SUCCINCT OR DIRECT
LIKE I THOUGHT I WAS DOING SOMETHING WRONG
I THOUGHT THAT MAYBE I WAS BAD AT COMMUNICATION
WHEN I COULDN'T MULTITASK OR SWITCH BETWEEN THINGS LIKE EVERYONE ELSE
I THOUGHT I WAS LAZY OR DISORGANIZED
LIKE TO THE POINT
THAT I KIND OF GOT MY
PRIDE FROM BEING ABLE TO MULTITASK AND DO ALL THE THINGS
AND BE ALL THE THINGS FOR EVERYBODY
LIKE I FELT LIKE THAT WAS A MAJOR ACCOMPLISHMENT
BECAUSE WHEN I WAS DOING THAT
I DIDN'T FEEL LAZY OR DISORGANIZED OR
YOU KNOW WHEN MY BODY KEPT BREAKING DOWN
DESPITE EATING RIGHT AND RUNNING AND STRENGTH TRAINING
AND DOING ALL THE THINGS LIKE
I THOUGHT THAT I WASN'T GETTING THE RESULTS I WANTED
OR BECOMING LIKE AN ULTRA ATHLETE BECAUSE I WASN'T COMMITTED ENOUGH
WELL IT TURNS OUT THAT NONE OF THAT IS TRUE
SO TODAY
I'M SHARING WHAT IT WAS LIKE FOR ME TO DISCOVER MY AUTISTIC IDENTITY
AT 29
THE THINGS I TRIED TO FIX ABOUT MYSELF FOR DECADES
AND WHAT HAPPENED WHEN I FINALLY STOPPED TRYING TO FIX MYSELF
AND WORKED TO UNDERSTAND MYSELF
INSTEAD
WELCOME TO THE GRAVITY POINT PODCAST
I'M YOUR HOST DR. ASHLEY ANNE
I USED TO BE A LICENSED TRAUMA THERAPIST AND UNIVERSITY PROFESSOR
BUT EVENTUALLY
I LEFT BOTH BEHIND BECAUSE I REALIZED I DIDN'T WANT TO TREAT ILLNESS
I WANTED TO PREVENT IT
THAT'S WHAT WE'LL EXPLORE TOGETHER ON THIS PODCAST
HOW TO RESOLVE STRESS AND TRAUMA BEFORE IT MAKES YOU SICK
IF YOU WANT TO LEARN THE COMPLETE METHOD TO RESOLVE STRESS AND TRAUMA
IN ANY TRIGGERING SITUATION
CLICK THE LINK IN THE DESCRIPTION
TO DOWNLOAD THE FREE GRAVITY POINT GUIDEBOOK TODAY
TO GET US STARTED I WANT TO SAY THAT MY STORY OF BEING AUTISTIC
IS NOT NECESSARILY REPRESENTATIVE OF ANYONE ELSE'S STORY
AUTISM AS WE ALL KNOW
EXISTS ON A SPECTRUM AND ACTUALLY IT'S MORE LIKE A WHEEL
BUT MY EXPERIENCES
BECAUSE OF THAT THEY MIGHT BE EXTREMELY DIFFERENT TO OTHER FOLKS
WHO ALSO IDENTIFY AS AUTISTIC
SO PLEASE KEEP IN MIND THAT AS WE MOVE ALONG
I AM NOT SAYING THAT I REPRESENT ANYBODY ELSE
ALSO ALTHOUGH I AM TRAINED AS A MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL
I'M NOT SHARING THIS STORY AS LIKE AN EDUCATIONAL PIECE TODAY
IT'S NOT MEANT TO TEACH YOU WHAT BEING AUTISTIC IS ALL ABOUT
THAT'S A MUCH MUCH LARGER CONVERSATION
INSTEAD I'M SHARING MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCES
BECAUSE IT'S MY STORY
AND MY AUTISTIC IDENTITY IS A CENTRAL PART OF WHO I AM
AND WHY I DO THIS WORK IT'S MY WAY OF BETTER INTRODUCING MYSELF TO YOU
AND I'M ALSO SHARING IT JUST IN CASE IT HELPS ANYONE ELSE
GET TO KNOW THEIR OWN NEURODIVERGENCE
SO WITH THAT IN MIND
LET ME GO BACK A BIT AND HELP YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I WAS LIKE AS A KID
AND IN FACT I WAS KIND OF A QUIRKY KID
LIKE I HAD TONS OF CLOTHES IN MY CLOSET
BUT I NEVER WORE THEM I ALWAYS SHOWED UP TO SCHOOL WEARING JEANS
AND AN OVERSIZED T-SHIRT THAT I HAD PULLED FROM MY PARENTS DRAWER
THAT MORNING SO I WORE THEIR CLOTHES AND LIKE EVEN WHEN MY T
THEIR T SHIRTS LIKE WENT DOWN ALMOST TO MY KNEES
THAT'S HOW I SHOWED UP IN SCHOOL
I ALSO DESPISED WEARING COATS
TO THE POINT WHERE MY MOM JUST GAVE UP
AND LET ME GET INTO THE CAR WITHOUT ONE
EVEN IN THE FRIGID MIDWESTERN WINTERS AT MY GRANDPARENTS FARM
WHERE MY SISTER AND I USUALLY SPENT VERY QUIET DAYS
WHICH NOW I KNOW WAS LIKE CRITICAL TO MY UPBRINGING
FAMILY GATHERINGS ACTUALLY FELT LIKE INVASION
SO WHEN ALL MY COUSINS CAME OVER AND I HAVE A LOT OF COUSINS
THEY WOULD LIKE WATCH HORROR FILMS OR
YOU KNOW
JUST CREATE A LOT OF CHAOS RUNNING AROUND
AND I WOULD ACTUALLY HIDE BEHIND THE COUCH
LIKE FOR A REALLY LONG TIME
MY FAVORITE PLACE
TO HIDE AT OUR HOUSE ACTUALLY WAS THE STAIRS IN LIKE A VERY SMALL
DARK CLOSET LIKE
I REMEMBER LAYING DOWN AND JUST LOOKING AT THE STAIRS
AND FEELING VERY COZY AND SAFE
I ALSO ABSOLUTELY HATED EATING
SO MY GRANDMOTHER STILL HAD TO FEED ME WHEN I WAS LIKE 6 OR 7
AND AS YOU CAN IMAGINE THOSE COUSINS TEASED ME FOR THAT
AT SCHOOL I SPENT MOST OF MY RECESSES ALONE
OR MAYBE WITH JUST ONE FRIEND AT A TIME
WHICH FELT STRANGE BECAUSE EVERYONE KNEW ME
AND I WAS SORT OF WHAT PEOPLE WOULD CALL QUOTE
POPULAR SO
YOU WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT I WOULD HAVE BEEN IN THE BIG GROUPS
BECAUSE ON IN OUR CLASSES
LIKE I WAS MORE THAN HAPPY TO BE
YOU KNOW
IN FRONT OF THE CLASS OR LIKE WORKING WITH OTHER PEOPLE
BUT ON THE PLAYGROUND
I ACTUALLY SPENT MORE TIME SWINGING ON THE SWINGS
AND CLIMBING ON THE TIRES
OR GOING DOWN THE SLIDES
WHILE EVERYONE ELSE THAT I ACTUALLY CONSIDERED MY FRIENDS
LIKE PLAYED FOOTBALL OR RAN AROUND DOING
YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE
I DON'T KNOW
AT THE SAME TIME I HAD AND STILL HAVE A VERY WILD
LOUD ADVENTUROUS SIDE
SO I LOVED ROLLER COASTERS AND CLIMBING TREES
AND SINGING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS
LIKE I PLAYED XENA WARRIOR PRINCESS
AND I WAS ALWAYS XENA
DOING HER RALLY CRY AROUND THE YARD WITH A FRISBEE IN HAND
LIKE THAT FRISBEE LIKE IF
YOU KNOW YOU KNOW HAHAHA
I COULD SING AND SPEAK PUBLICLY AND DANCE
SO I ENDED UP PERFORMING IN FRONT OF CROWDS PRETTY OFTEN
AND I THINK BACK TO THAT LITTLE GIRL AND I LIKED HER QUITE A LOT
SHE WAS KIND OF COOL
BUT BY THE TIME I WAS A TEENAGER
IT GOT SIGNIFICANTLY HARDER TO HOLD ON TO MY QUIRKS
LIKE THE PRESSURE TO FIT IN AND
LIKE THE SEXUALIZATION THAT CAME ALONG WITH PUBERTY FORCED ME INTO
LIKE LOW RISE JEANS AND STRAIGHTENED HAIR AND TERRIBLY TOXIC MAKEUP
LIKE DOES ANYONE ELSE REMEMBER THAT HARSH LINE OF DEMARCATION
FROM 90S FOUNDATION LIKE THE MAKEUP
BUT YOU KNOW
DESPITE ALL THAT I SOMEHOW MANAGED TO BE A STRAIGHT A STUDENT
WITH A LONG LIST OF EXTRACURRICULARS
WHILE ALSO SHOWING UP TO ALCOHOL DRENCHED PARTIES ON THE WEEKENDS
SO SOMEWHERE ALONG THE WAY
I LOST MY QUIRK
STILL IF YOU WOULD HAVE ASKED ME BACK THEN HOW I WAS DOING
I WOULD HAVE HONESTLY TOLD YOU I'M FINE
I WOULD HAVE FOCUSED ON THE FACT THAT I HAD A GREAT GPA
AND STEADY FRIENDSHIPS AND A ROOF OVER MY HEAD
AND A BOYFRIEND AND PARENTS WHO LOVED ME
I WOULDN'T HAVE TOLD YOU ABOUT HOW MUCH MY HANDS HURT
WHEN I WROTE IN MY JOURNAL
OR
HOW I NEEDED TO TAPE MY ANKLES AND WRISTS DURING VOLLEYBALL PRACTICE
EVEN THOUGH I WASN'T INJURED
I WOULD HAVE LEFT OUT HOW FRANTIC MY MORNINGS WERE
BECAUSE I COULDN'T PRY MYSELF OUT OF BED UNTIL 20 MINUTES
BEFORE SCHOOL STARTED
I WOULDN'T HAVE SHARED THAT MY BEDROOM WAS CONSTANTLY A DISASTER
THAT I LIVED IN MESSY CHAOS ALL OF THE TIME
OR THAT I CARTED MY ENTIRE LIFE AROUND IN MY CAR MOVING BETWEEN
YOU KNOW MY PARENTS'HOUSES EACH WEEK
I PROBABLY WOULDN'T HAVE MENTIONED
LIKE BEING PUNCHED IN THE FACE BY A GIRL AT SCHOOL
OR
HAVING OTHER GIRLS ETCH NASTY THINGS ABOUT ME ON THE BATHROOM STALLS
OR HOW THEY ALL THOUGHT I WAS PERFECT AND STUCK UP
EVEN THOUGH I JUST KNEW THAT IT WAS LIKE
OVERWHELMED AND DIDN'T REALLY WANT TO CONNECT MOST OF THE TIME
I WOULDN'T HAVE TALKED ABOUT MY CONSTANT BATTLE WITH ACNE
AND OTHER SKIN PROBLEMS
OR THAT I HAD INSOMNIA PRETTY MUCH EVERY NIGHT
AND I DEFINITELY WOULD NOT HAVE SHARED HOW BROKEN AND ASHAMED I FELT
AND HOW REALLY
I FELT LIKE A TOTAL LAZY FAILURE PRETTY MUCH ALL OF THE TIME
I WOULD HAVE SAID I WAS GREAT
AND I CAN TELL YOU FOR SURE YOU WOULD HAVE BELIEVED ME BECAUSE I DID
LIKE I BELIEVED ME
WHAT I WAS DOING WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING IT WAS MASKING
SO MASKING IS WHEN YOU HIDE YOUR NATURAL RESPONSES
AND PERFORM BEHAVIORS THAT MAKE YOU APPEAR MORE LIKE WHATEVER QUOTE
NORMAL ARCHETYPE IS REQUIRED YOU TO FIT IN A CROWD
LIKE WEARING CERTAIN CLOTHES OR STYLING YOUR HAIR A CERTAIN WAY
AVOIDING PDA WITH YOUR PARTNER IN CERTAIN SPACES
DONNING A MASCULINE VIBE AT WORK ETCETERA
BASICALLY YOU SUPPRESS WHO YOU ACTUALLY ARE
AND SORT OF MIRROR FROM OTHER PEOPLE WHAT YOU THINK NORMAL LOOKS LIKE
SO FOR ME THIS MEANT MASKING NEURODIVERGENT OR LIKE
QUIRKY TENDENCIES SO I COULD APPEAR MORE NEUROTYPICAL
SO PRETENDING I WASN'T TIRED ALL THE TIME
MAKE BELIEVING THAT I LIKED SCHOOL
PLAYING THE ROLE OF THE YOU KNOW
QUOTE HOT GIRL WHEN REALLY I WAS A NERD
OR AVOIDING THE CAFETERIA AT LUNCH
SO MY PEERS WOULDN'T THINK I WAS WEIRD
EATING THE SAME THINGS ALL THE TIME
AGAIN I DIDN'T KNOW THIS WAS MASKING
BUT I WAS DOING IT CONSTANTLY
AND ALL THAT MASKING I MASTERED IN HIGH SCHOOL
THE CONSTANT PERFORMANCE THE HIDING MY STRUGGLES
THE PRETENDING EVERYTHING WAS FINE
LIKE IT DIDN'T STOP WHEN I GRADUATED
IT JUST EVOLVED AS I BECAME AN ADULT
SO INSTEAD OF STRAIGHT A'S AND WEEKEND PARTIES
I BECAME EVERYONE'S BEST THERAPIST OR PROFESSOR OR ADMINISTRATOR
I BURIED MYSELF IN WORK
AND USED ALCOHOL TO NUMB THE EXHAUSTION OF PRETENDING ALL THE TIME
AND PERFECTIONISM WELL
THAT WAS MY FAVORITE MASK BECAUSE I LEARNED THAT IT WORKED
LIKE IF I COULD WORK HARD ENOUGH
HELP EVERYONE ELSE ENOUGH AND SHOW UP TO A PARTY AND STILL BE FUN
LIKE NO ONE NOTICED HOW HARD I WAS STRUGGLING UNDERNEATH
PERFECTIONISM IS REALLY HOW I SURVIVED
AND IT'S HOW I STAYED IN DENIAL ABOUT HOW HARD LIFE ACTUALLY WAS
BUT THEN I GOT THAT Q E
E G
AND SUDDENLY THERE WAS ONLY SO MUCH I COULD MASK ANYMORE
BECAUSE ONCE YOU REALLY KNOW SOMETHING AND YOU SEE SOMETHING
AND IT BURROWS ITS WAY INTO YOUR AWARENESS
IT'S REALLY HARD TO GO BACK TO DENIAL
SO AT THAT POINT I KNEW I WAS AUTISTIC
THE WORD WAS ALWAYS SITTING THERE IN THE BACK OF MY HEAD
MAKING ME QUESTION MY EXPERIENCES
TO THE POINT WHERE IT WAS REALLY HARD TO DENY THEM ANYMORE
SO FOLLOWING THE NEUROFEEDBACK TRAINING
MY AUTISTIC IDENTITY BECAME MORE CENTRAL
AND IT WAS SOMETHING I REALLY PAID ATTENTION TO WHILE I WAS IN MY PHD
PROGRAM LIKE I TOLD MY FRIENDS
I TOLD MY PROFESSORS
I STARTED MONITORING AND HONORING MY SENSITIVITIES
I SAW HOLISTIC PRACTITIONERS AND I REALLY
I BEGAN TO CENTER MY OWN HEALING
BUT IF I'M BEING HONEST DURING THOSE YEARS
IT WAS NOT MY INTENTION TO LOVE AND APPRECIATE MY AUTISTIC IDENTITY
I TRIED TO FIX IT LIKE REALLY
I TRIED TO FIX IT
BECAUSE THAT'S SORT OF THE MESSAGING THAT I RECEIVED BACK THEN
AND IT'S THANKFULLY I LOOK AT GENERATIONS BEHIND ME
AND I DON'T THINK THEY'RE GETTING THIS MESSAGE SO MUCH
LIKE AT LEAST NOT AS MUCH AS I DO
SO I'M GLAD THERE'S SORT OF THIS LOOSENING OF THE MESSAGE
BUT THE MESSAGING THAT I RECEIVED BACK THEN
WAS THAT AUTISM CAN BE FIXED
SOME OF THAT MESSAGING CAME FROM CONVENTIONAL MENTAL HEALTH
WHERE WE CONSIDER AUTISM TO BE A DIAGNOSIS
THAT CAN IMPROVE THROUGH LIFE SKILLS AND THERAPY
BUT SOME OF THOSE MESSAGES ACTUALLY CAME FROM HOLISTIC HEALTH TOO
WHERE THERE'S KIND OF
THIS IDEA THAT AUTISM COMES FROM BEING OVERWHELMED BY LIKE TOXICITY
NOW I'M NOT SAYING THAT THESE MESSAGES ARE TRUE
OR THAT I ACCURATELY PERCEIVED THEM
BUT THAT'S HOW I RECEIVED THEM
SO I THOUGHT THAT IF I JUST LEARNED THE RIGHT SOCIAL SKILLS
I DETOXED ENOUGH I REMOVED THE MOLD TOXICITY
I ELIMINATED THE RIGHT FOODS AND I HONORED MY SENSITIVITIES
LIKE I WOULD MAGICALLY BECOME MORE NORMAL
I THOUGHT I'D HAVE MORE ENERGY FOR SOCIAL SITUATIONS
I'D BE ABLE TO HANDLE MORE WORK WITHOUT BURNING OUT
OR MY BRAIN WOULD HEAL AND I'D BE ABLE TO FINALLY FIT IN
BUT HERE'S WHAT I EVENTUALLY REALIZED
LIKE I ELIMINATED GLUTEN AND DAIRY
AND I DETOXED FROM MOLD AND HEAVY METALS
I I LEARNED TO USE BETTER BOUNDARIES AND I ADAPTED MY COMMUNICATION
I HONORED MY SENSITIVITIES
AND BALANCED SOCIAL SITUATIONS WITH PLENTY OF ALONE TIME
AND YOU KNOW WHAT
I AM STILL AUTISTIC HAHAHA
LIKE MY BRAIN STILL EXPERIENCES THE WORLD IN A CERTAIN WAY
AND THAT IS NOT SOMETHING I CAN CHANGE
HONESTLY SOMETIMES I WISH I WEREN'T AUTISTIC
LIKE I HATE TO SAY THAT BUT SOMETIMES I DO
BECAUSE I LOOK AROUND AT NEUROTYPICAL FOLKS
GOING TO SOCIAL GATHERINGS AND THRIVING AT JOBS
UNDER FLUORESCENT LIGHTS
AND HAVING ALL KINDS OF ENERGY FOR TRAVELING THE WORLD
AND I THINK
GOSH LIFE WOULD BE SO MUCH EASIER WITH A DIFFERENT BRAIN
BUT THEN
YOU KNOW I
I HAVE TO STOP MYSELF
AND REMEMBER THAT THE ONLY REASON THAT MY LIFE ISN'T EASIER
IS BECAUSE THIS WORLD WASN'T BUILT FOR MY BRAIN
AND THE REASON THAT LIFE IS EASIER FOR NEUROTYPICAL FOLKS
IS BECAUSE THIS WORLD WAS BUILT FOR THEIRS
SO THIS WORLD COMES PRELOADED WITH INTRUSIONS
RIGHT FLUORESCENT LIGHTS ARE HUMMING OVERHEAD
ARTIFICIAL ADDITIVES IN ALMOST EVERY FORM OF PACKAGED FOOD
ALCOHOL AND BACKGROUND MUSIC IS WOVEN INTO NEARLY EVERY SOCIAL RITUAL
CAFFEINE IS LIKE HAHA
A PERSONALITY TRAIT INSTEAD OF LIKE A STIMULANT
WE HAVE OPEN OFFICES AND LOUD RESTAURANTS
AND SCHEDULES THAT SHIFT WITHOUT WARNING
AND
OTHER PEOPLE'S THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS ARE JUST SPILLING OUT
ALL THE TIME
LIKE NEUROTYPICAL BRAINS CAN FILTER A LOT OF THAT OUT
THEY PROCESS IT ADAPT AND MOVE ON
BUT AN AUTISTIC BRAIN AT LEAST MY AUTISTIC BRAIN
IT DOES NOT FILTER THE SAME WAY
SO THOSE INTRUSIONS DON'T STAY IN THE BACKGROUND
THEY COME TO THE FOREGROUND
LIKE ALL OF THEM ALL AT ONCE
THE WORD AUTISM ACTUALLY COMES FROM THE GREEK WORD AUTOS
RIGHT LIKE AUTOS MEANING SELF
AND THE SUFFIX ISM DESCRIBES A STATE OF BEING
SO DESPITE WHAT A PATHOLOGIZING PSYCHIATRIC DEFINITION MIGHT SUGGEST
AUTISM LIKE THE WORD SIMPLY MEANS A STATE OF BEING ONESELF
AND TO ME THAT MEANS A BRAIN THAT WANTS TO OPERATE ON ITS OWN TERMS
LIKE IN ITS OWN ENVIRONMENT
WITH ITS OWN INPUTS WITHOUT CONSTANT INTERFERENCE
MY BRAIN WANTS TO BE LEFT TO ITS OWN DEVICES
NOT JUST SOCIALLY THOUGH YES
LIKE A LITTLE LESS SMALL TALK AND SOME SOLITUDE
AND LIKE I AM BETTER OFF IN THOSE CONDITIONS
BUT ALSO LIKE DON'T PUT RED DYE IN MY CEREAL
LIKE PLEASE STOP DISRUPTING MY ROUTINE
AND THINKING THAT IT'S SOME KIND OF VIRTUE TO HAVE
LIKE A FULL SCHEDULE ALL THE TIME
I DON'T LIKE THE AMBIENT DISREGULATION LIKE FROM PEOPLE AROUND ME
SO IF YOU'RE FEELING AND THINKING THINGS
BUT YOU'RE NOT SAYING THEM OR YOU'RE NOT ACTING
IT DOESN'T MATTER I'M STILL GONNA PICK UP ON THAT
AND THE CHEMICAL NOISE FROM ALCOHOL OR CAFFEINE
LIKE I REALLY NEED TO BE CAREFUL ABOUT HOW I CONSUME THOSE THINGS
CAUSE THEY INTERRUPT MY BRAIN'S NORMAL PROCESSES
SO MY BRAIN NEEDS LESS INTRUSIONS IN ORDER TO BE AT ITS BEST
AND THIS WORLD IS NOT ONLY BUILT FULL OF INTRUSIONS
BUT IT'S ACTUALLY BUILT ON INTRUSIONS LIKE PICK UP YOUR PHONE
HOW MANY ADS POP UP
I ALSO FIND IT VERY INTRUSIVE THAT YOU KNOW
MY PHONE LISTENS TO ME ALL THE TIME
OR THERE ARE COOKIES IN THE BACKGROUND OF EVERY WEB PAGE
LIKE THE INVASION OF PRIVACY FOR ME IS A CONSTANT INTRUSION THAT I CAN
FEEL AGAIN
NOT ALL AUTISTIC PEOPLE FEEL THAT WAY
BUT I DO
SO MY BRAIN NEEDS LESS INTRUSIONS
AND THIS WORLD IS BUILT ON THEM
SO YES
SOMETIMES I WISH THAT I WERE NOT AUTISTIC BECAUSE I IMAGINE THAT LIFE
AT LEAST IN THIS WORLD AS IT'S BUILT RIGHT NOW
WOULD BE A LITTLE EASIER FOR MY BRAIN
BUT THEN I ALSO THINK HOW MUCH I'D MISS MY AUTISM IF IT WERE GONE
I'D MISS MY ABILITY TO READ MY FAMILY'S MIND BEFORE THEY SPEAK
LIKE I'D MISS BEING ABLE TO TELL THAT ONE OF MY PLANTS IS STRUGGLING
BEFORE IT ACTUALLY WILTS I'D MISS OBSESSING OVER EVERY WORD I WRITE
AND I'D MISS
NOTICING TEENY SPIDERS AND TALL TREES
AND THE INCREDIBLE DEPTH OF EMPATHY THAT I EXPERIENCE EVERY DAY
NOT JUST BECAUSE YOU KNOW
LIKE MY MIRROR NEURONS ARE HEIGHTENED AND I'M PICKING UP ON MORE STUFF
BUT BECAUSE BEING AUTISTIC GIVES ME A LEVEL OF SENSITIVITY
AND IT MAKES ME STRUGGLE
AND THAT HAS BEEN VERY HUMBLING
LIKE THAT EXPERIENCE HAS HELPED ME UNDERSTAND
HOW MUCH WE TRULY NEED EACH OTHER
AND IT GIVES ME LIKE
AN EMBODIED UNDERSTANDING OF THE WORK THAT WE NEED TO DO
TO MAKE THIS WORLD BETTER FOR EVERYONE
SO MY AUTISTIC IDENTITY IS A REALLY SPECIAL PART OF WHO I AM
THE SAME THINGS THAT MAKE ME STRUGGLE
ARE THE EXACT SAME THINGS THAT MAKE ME A REALLY GOOD THERAPIST
AND A TEACHER AND A RESEARCHER
A REALLY GOOD FRIEND
A REALLY GOOD CARETAKER
RIGHT LIKE THINGS LIKE PATTERN RECOGNITION
MY ABILITY TO SORT OF
TRANSCEND LINEAR TIME AND SEE CONNECTIONS THAT OTHER PEOPLE MISS
MY SPECIFICITY IN HOW I COMMUNICATE
LIKE THESE ARE ALL GIFTS FROM MY AUTISM
THEY'RE NOT FAULTS
THEY'RE FEATURES
BUT IT TOOK ME A REALLY LONG TIME TO UNDERSTAND THAT
AND DURING THAT TIME I DESPERATELY TRIED TO FIX A FEW THINGS
BUT I COULDN'T BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT FIXABLE
THEY'RE PART OF MY SORT OF DIVINE DESIGN
SO I THOUGHT I'D SHARE A FEW OF THESE THINGS WITH YOU TODAY
SO THEY'RE CENTERED AROUND FOUR THEMES COMMUNICATION
EXECUTIVE FUNCTIONING CONNECTIVE TISSUES
AND OF COURSE STRESS
SO LET'S START WITH COMMUNICATION
I HEAR THIS FROM PEOPLE ALL THE TIME
ESPECIALLY FROM FOLKS WHO ARE CLOSE TO ME OR LIKE
IN PARTICULAR DURING CONFLICT
WELL YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST SAID X
Y Z
LIKE WHATEVER IT IS LIKE YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST SAID IT LIKE THIS
OR YOU SHOULD USE THESE WORDS NEXT TIME
AND THE IMPLICATION IS THAT
IF I JUST CHANGED THE WAY THAT I COMMUNICATE
THEY WOULD HAVE HEARD ME RIGHT
LIKE THEY WOULD HAVE UNDERSTOOD ME BETTER
AND FOR A VERY LONG TIME I INTERNALIZED THAT FEEDBACK
LIKE I BELIEVED THEM I THOUGHT MAYBE I WASN'T BEING CLEAR
AND I REALLY DID
LIKE CONTINUE LIVING MY LIFE AS THOUGH I WAS THE PROBLEM
BUT AS I'VE GOTTEN MORE HEALED AND STEADY
LIKE IN MY NERVOUS SYSTEM
WHAT HAPPENS AS A BYPRODUCT OF THAT IS THAT DURING CONFLICT
MY BRAIN IS ACTUALLY MUCH MORE CLEAR
RIGHT LIKE
I CAN SEE CONFLICT MORE CLEARLY NOW
BECAUSE I DON'T GET AS DYSREGULATED
AND YOU KNOW
AS I STARTED SEEING THESE CONFLICTS AND THESE PATTERNS MORE CLEARLY
I REALIZED THAT LIKE WHAT THEY WERE SAYING IS NOT ACCURATE
LIKE NOPE
I ACTUALLY DID SAY THAT LIKE WORD FOR WORD X
Y AND Z I SAID EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE TELLING ME I SHOULD HAVE SAID
BUT THE THING IS
THEY JUST DIDN'T HEAR ME
AND AFTER A LOT OF TUMULTUOUS CONFLICT
LIKE YEARS I WAS THINKING IN THE WRONG AND HONESTLY
SOME DESPERATE MOMENTS OF ACTING AI
WHAT THE HECK WAS GOING ON
I DISCOVERED WHY THIS KEPT HAPPENING
IT TURNS OUT NEUROTYPICAL PEOPLE OFTEN COMMUNICATE WITH SUBTEXT
LIKE THEY'RE NOT JUST LISTENING TO WHAT YOU SAY
THEY'RE LISTENING TO LIKE WHAT YOU DON'T SAY
IT'S NOT JUST EVEN HOW THEY
HOW YOU SAY IT IT'S THAT THEY'RE LISTENING FOR WHAT YOU DON'T SAY
THEY'RE PAYING ATTENTION TO THE SOCIAL CONTEXT
THE POWER DYNAMICS UNSPOKEN RULES LIKE HYPOTHETICAL SITUATIONS
AND SARCASM AND THE ROLE OF HUMOR CAN PLAY
YOU KNOW A HUGE ROLE IN KEEPING CONVERSATIONS LIGHT AND DIGESTIBLE
SO THEY'RE THINKING ABOUT HOW TO USE THAT TOO
SO A LOT OF NEUROTYPICAL FOLKS
LIKE FILTER COMMUNICATION THROUGH ALL OF THAT
BUT NEURO DIVERGENT PEOPLE LIKE ME
AT LEAST SOME OF US
WE DON'T USE SUBTEXT LIKE WE SAY WHAT WE MEAN AND WE MEAN WHAT WE SAY
AND LET ME TELL YOU IT CONFUSES THE HECK OUT OF ME
WHEN PEOPLE SAY ONE THING AND DO ANOTHER
LIKE THAT'S NOT EVEN LIKE IN MY ROLODEX OF SKILLS
SO FOR ME AGAIN
I AM NOT SPEAKING FOR EVERY NEURODIVERGENT PERSON
JUST MYSELF
SO FOR ME AT LEAST
CLARITY AND SPECIFICITY IS EVERYTHING
BECAUSE COMMUNICATION IN MY MIND
IS ACTUALLY SEPARATE FROM SOCIAL CONTEXT OR POWER DYNAMICS
BECAUSE BEING CLEAR AND SUCCINCT
AND DIRECT DOESN'T ACTUALLY THREATEN THE RELATIONSHIP
TO ME IT STRENGTHENS IT
SO FROM MY POINT OF VIEW
COMMUNICATION NEEDS TO BE PRACTICAL AND PRAGMATIC TO BE EFFECTIVE
AND IN FACT
THINGS LIKE SARCASM OR INNUENDOS OR TEASING OR IMPLIED MEANING
JUST MUDDY THE WATERS AND LIKE
TOTALLY THROW ME OFF MY CENTER
SO WHEN I SPEAK CLEARLY AND A NEUROTYPICAL PERSON ADDS SUBTEXT
LIKE THEY MISS MY CLARITY
IT'S LIKE THEY DON'T HEAR ME
AND WHEN A NEUROTYPICAL PERSON SPEAKS TO ME WITH SUBTEXT
I OFTEN MISS THEIR NUANCE
SO SOMETIMES I MIGHT TAKE THEM TOO LITERALLY
OR I HOLD THEM ACCOUNTABLE FOR SOMETHING THEY ACTUALLY DIDN'T MEAN
NOW NEITHER OF THESE APPROACHES IS RIGHT OR WRONG
LIKE THEY'RE BOTH VALUABLE
BUT AS YOU CAN IMAGINE LIKE THEY CLASH
AND NO AMOUNT OF SKILL BUILDING IS GONNA FIX THAT MISMATCH
I MEAN DON'T GET ME WRONG
I MISCOMMUNICATE JUST AS OFTEN AS EVERYONE ELSE
AND MISCOMMUNICATIONS ARE INEVITABLE RIGHT
THERE ARE TIMES WHEN I THINK I SAY SOMETHING AND I ACTUALLY DIDN'T
SO WHETHER FOLKS ARE NEUROTYPICAL
NEURODIVERGENT OR SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN
COMMUNICATION IS HARD
BUT THE THING I'M TRYING TO CAPTURE HERE
IS THAT THERE'S ACTUALLY AN OVERARCHING DIFFERENCE
THAT CAN BE HELPFUL TO HOLD ON TO
AND THE MISMATCH BETWEEN FOLKS WHO USE SUBTEXT AND FOLKS WHO DON'T
IS SIGNIFICANT AND REAL
AND HERE'S WHAT WAS REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME
IT'S NOT SOMETHING I CAN SOLVE BY COMMUNICATING BETTER RIGHT
THIS WAS SOMETHING THAT I THOUGHT I COULD FIX
IF I JUST TRIED HARD ENOUGH
AND I LEARNED THE RIGHT SKILLS
AND I DID THE RIGHT THING
THAT THIS WOULD BE EASIER AND BETTER
BUT THAT IS NOT TRUE
THERE'S JUST A MISMATCH
IT'S NOT THAT I SHOULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING IN A CERTAIN WAY
IT'S THAT THE WAY I COMMUNICATE
IS NOT TAILORED FOR A NEUROTYPICAL BRAIN
AND THE WAY MUCH OF THIS WORLD COMMUNICATES
IS NOT TAILORED FOR MY BRAIN
IN FACT
SO NOW I EXPECT MISUNDERSTANDINGS
LIKE I KNOW THEY'RE GOING TO HAPPEN
AND WHEN THEY DO I DON'T INTERNALIZE THEM ANYMORE
WHEN I CAN I MIGHT ADAPT MY COMMUNICATION
IF I KNOW I'M SPEAKING TO A NEUROTYPICAL PERSON
BUT I DON'T MAKE THIS CHANGE BECAUSE I THINK I'M BAD AT COMMUNICATING
AND I NEED TO FIX MYSELF
IT'S THAT NOW THAT I KNOW THERE'S A DIFFERENCE
AND THAT I COMMUNICATE DIFFERENTLY
SOMETIMES IN WAYS THAT ARE NOT WELL RECEIVED
THIS ALLOWS ME TO ADAPT WHAT I SAY
TO HELP GET THE MESSAGE ACROSS MORE EFFECTIVELY
IT'S NOT ABOUT FIXING MYSELF
IT'S ABOUT KNOWING THAT THE MISMATCH IS THERE
RECOGNIZING IT AND MAYBE ALTERING WHAT I SAY BASED ON THAT
AND THAT'S OKAY THAT KIND OF CHANGE MAKES SENSE
AND IT'S OKAY
THAT I AM ALWAYS GOING TO BE CLEAR AND DIRECT AND SUCCINCT
THAT'S JUST HOW MY BRAIN WORKS
ANOTHER AREA I REALLY STRUGGLED WITH WAS THE EXECUTIVE FUNCTIONING
THAT GOES ALONG WITH BEING AUTISTIC
NOW THERE'S ACTUALLY A LOT THAT GOES INTO THIS TOPIC
BUT I JUST WANNA SHARE ONE AREA AND THAT IS TASK SWITCHING
SO TASK SWITCHING IS THE ABILITY TO GO GO FROM ONE THING TO ANOTHER
SO I AM SITTING AT MY COMPUTER
AND THEN SOMEBODY COMES IN AND WANTS TO HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH ME
OR ME AND MY FAMILY ARE SITTING DOWN AND WATCHING A MOVIE
BUT THEN SOMETHING HAPPENS
AND WE HAVE TO TURN OFF THE MOVIE AND DO SOMETHING ENTIRELY RIGHT
LIKE THAT IS TASK SWITCHING SO FOR FOLKS WHO ARE AUTISTIC
SOME OF US AT LEAST SHIFTING FROM ONE TASK TO ANOTHER
ESPECIALLY WHEN WE'RE REALLY FOCUSED ON SOMETHING CAN BE DIFFICULT
NOT JUST INCONVENIENT IT'S ACTUALLY PHYSIOLOGICALLY DIFFERENT
BECAUSE OUR BRAINS ARE MASTERS OF MINUTE DETAIL
SO IT'S A CHALLENGE RIGHT
BUT I SPENT YEARS THINKING THAT I WAS LAZY OR DISORGANIZED
BECAUSE I COULDN'T SWITCH BETWEEN THINGS
THE WAY OTHER PEOPLE SEEM TO DO SO EASILY
AND IN FACT
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT SOME OF THE THINGS THAT I WASN'T GETTING DONE
WHETHER IT WAS LIKE CLEANING MY ROOM OR DOING THE DISHES OR
I DON'T KNOW OTHER THINGS LIKE THAT
LIKE THAT ARE NORMAL DAY TO DAY LIFE THINGS
I DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE IT HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH TASK SWITCHING
I JUST THOUGHT I WAS LAZY AND I JUST WASN'T GETTING THINGS DONE
SO LIKE DISHES LIKE IF I TALK MORE ABOUT THAT
FOR EXAMPLE
I WORK FROM HOME SO I EAT LUNCH AND SNACKS THROUGHOUT THE DAY FOR ONE
I'VE REALIZED THAT
IT'S ACTUALLY VERY HARD FOR ME TO LEAVE MY COMPUTER LONG ENOUGH TO EAT
LIKE IT'S VERY EASY FOR ME TO JUST NOT EAT THROUGHOUT THE DAY
SO THAT'S ONE CHALLENGE AND IT'S NOT GOOD FOR ME
AND IT'S ESPECIALLY NOT GOOD FOR AN AUTISTIC BRAIN WHO LIKE
RUNS OUT OF GLUCOSE PRETTY FAST
SO YOU KNOW TAKING MYSELF AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER
LIKE THAT'S ACTUALLY ONE FORM OF TASK SWITCHING THAT'S HARD ENOUGH
BUT THE OTHER THING I WANT TO SPEAK TO IS ACTUALLY THE DISHES
SO EVERYONE ELSE THAT I KNOW CAN JUST WASH A DISH AND WHEN THEY USE IT
RIGHT LIKE THROUGHOUT THE DAY
THEY RINSE THEIR CUP THEY LOAD IT IN THE DISHWASHER
THEY WIPE DOWN THE COUNTER LIKE NO BIG DEAL
BUT I REALLY STRUGGLE WITH THAT
LIKE IT TAKES ALL THE ENERGY I HAVE JUST TO MAKE SURE
I'M TAKING A BREAK TO EAT
SO DOING THE CLEANUP OFTEN FEELS LIKE A REAL LEFT TURN
SO WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO IT
I HAVE TO CHOOSE BETWEEN USING MY BRAIN POWER FOR WORK
AND USING MY BRAIN POWER TO DO THE DISHES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY
AND GUESS WHICH ONE WINS RIGHT
THE WORK OBVIOUSLY
ESPECIALLY BECAUSE MOST OF MY WORK REQUIRES A LOT OF FOCUS
BECAUSE I'M WRITING ALL THE TIME
BUT YOU KNOW SO ALL OF THIS KIND OF MADE ME FEEL FOR MOST OF MY LIFE
LIKE I WAS A LAZY SLOB SO
I REALLY PUT A LOT OF PRESSURE ON MYSELF
TO MAKE SURE MY HOME WAS CLEAN
LIKE EVEN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY
BUT EVENTUALLY I UNDERSTOOD
LIKE THE NATURE OF TASK SWITCHING IN AN AUTISTIC BRAIN
AND THAT REALLY HELPED
IT MADE ME REALIZE THAT ALL OF THIS PRESSURE I WAS PUTTING ON MYSELF
IT WAS COSTING ME A TON OF UNNECESSARY ENERGY
TRYING TO FORCE MYSELF TO KEEP EVERYTHING CLEAN WHEN HONESTLY
IT REALLY DIDN'T NEED TO BE
SO WITH TIME
I'VE JUST LEARNED THAT MY ROUTINE IS TO CLEAN AT THE END OF THE DAY
WHEN EVERYTHING ELSE IS DONE
MY WORK IS DONE MY WORKOUT IS DONE
MY DINNER IS DONE THAT'S WHEN I DO THE DISHES
SO NOW OVERALL LIKE
NOW THAT I UNDERSTAND THIS ABOUT TASK SWITCHING
AND HOW MUCH IT ACTUALLY COSTS
MY BRAIN
I TRY TO GIVE MYSELF THE OPPORTUNITY TO STAY FIXED ON ONE TASK
WHENEVER I CAN
AND I'M GENTLER WITH MYSELF
LIKE WHEN I CAN'T ACTUALLY SWITCH IN THE MOMENT
AND I'VE COMMUNICATED THIS NOW THAT I KNOW THIS RIGHT ABOUT MYSELF
I CAN ACTUALLY COMMUNICATE AND CONNECT BETTER
SO PEOPLE IN MY WORLD KNOW THIS ABOUT ME
SO IF MY FAMILY DOESN'T HEAR BACK FROM ME VIA TEXT
LIKE THEY KNOW I'LL GET TO IT WHEN I CAN
OR IF I'M STRUGGLING TO TASK SWITCH WITH MY TEAM
AND THERE'S SOMETHING THAT'S TIME SENSITIVE
I LET THEM KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON AND UM
HELP THEM UNDERSTAND THAT I CAN GET BACK TO THEM LATER
WHEN I HAVE MORE FOCUS
MOST IMPORTANTLY THOUGH
I GIVE MYSELF GRACE KNOWING THAT I'M GOING TO GET TO THINGS LATER
WHEN I CAN FULLY FOCUS ON THEM
LIKE NOW THAT I UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS JUST A NEUROTYPE RIGHT
IT'S JUST THE WAY MY BRAIN WORKS
I DON'T HAVE TO BE SO SELF CRITICAL
YOU KNOW WHICH IS REALLY JUST A FORM OF PUNISHMENT
TRYING TO MAKE ME INTO SOMETHING I'M NOT
THAT'S ALL SELF CRITICISM IS RIGHT
LIKE IT'S TRYING TO GET ME TO CHANGE
BUT THE TRUTH IS I'M NOT LAZY
THIS IS JUST HOW MY BRAIN NEEDS TO WORK IN ORDER TO BE AT MY BEST
AND IN FACT AT LEAST FOR THE DISHES
THE DISHES GET DONE MORE REGULARLY
WHEN I DO THEM ACCORDING TO MY BRAIN'S SCHEDULE
BEFORE I HAD THIS TASK SWITCHING FIGURED OUT
THEY JUST PILE UP AND THAT WAS PART OF THE REASON WHY I FELT LAZY
BUT IT TURNS OUT THAT DOING THINGS HOW MY BRAIN NEEDS THEM TO BE DONE
ACTUALLY ALLOWS ME TO GET THEM DONE
THE THIRD THING I TRIED TO FIX WAS MY BODY
LIKE I SAID I HAVE ALWAYS HAD A VERY ADVENTUROUS SPIRIT
LIKE
I WANTED TO BE THE KIND OF PERSON WHO RUNS MARATHONS AND CLIMBS ROCKS
AND JUMPS OFF CLIFFS AND I DID DO ALL OF THOSE THINGS
BUT I ALWAYS KIND OF FELT LIKE A WIMP
BECAUSE I COULDN'T DO THEM AS WELL AS I WANTED
LIKE THERE WAS ALWAYS SOME CAVEAT OR ROADBLOCK OR INJURY OR BURNOUT
LIKE FOR EXAMPLE
I KIND OF MENTIONED THIS EARLIER
I WAS THE SETTER ON MY VOLLEYBALL TEAM
AND I ALWAYS HAD TO HAVE THE COACH TAPE MY WRISTS AND MY ANKLES
WHICH FELT RIDICULOUS TO ME BECAUSE I WASN'T REALLY INJURED
LIKE THEY ALWAYS HURT LIKE THAT
WAS IT WRITING TOO
LIKE HANDWRITING ALSO HURT MY HAND SO MUCH
I WAS CONVINCED LIKE I HAD TENDONITIS AT
LIKE 8 YEARS OLD I DID ALSO RUN TWO MARATHONS BECAUSE I DO LOVE TO RUN
BUT I WAS NEVER ABLE TO INCREASE MY PACE BEYOND A CERTAIN POINT
LIKE AT ALL FOR NO GOOD REASON
FOR THE LONGEST TIME I JUST THOUGHT THAT EVERYONE WAS TOUGHER THAN ME
AND THAT I WASN'T COMMITTED ENOUGH
BUT AS IT TURNS OUT ONE OF THE QUALITIES THAT'S COMMON WITH AUTISM
IS LOOSE LIGAMENTS AND HYPERMOBILITY
SO LIKE ISSUES WITH YOUR CONNECTIVE TISSUES
WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT YOUR BONES
WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT YOUR MUSCLES
AT LEAST IN THIS CONVERSATION
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT ALL THE LITTLE TISSUE THAT
LIKE HOLD YOUR ORGANS IN PLACE
AND HOLD YOUR STRUCTURES TOGETHER AND HOLD YOUR MUSCLES IN PLACE RIGHT
SO
CONNECTIVE TISSUES ACTUALLY AFFECT EVERYTHING
FROM THE WAY YOUR JOINTS WORK
TO HOW STRONG YOUR MUSCLES CAN GET
FROM HEART HEALTH AND BRAIN HEALTH TO THE ALIGNMENT OF YOUR SPINE
WHICH WE KNOW AFFECTS THE ENTIRE NERVOUS SYSTEM
ESPECIALLY LIKE YOUR STRESS RESPONSE
CONNECTIVE TISSUES ALSO AFFECT THINGS LIKE COORDINATION RIGHT
YOUR ABILITY TO MOVE YOUR BODY AND YOUR ABILITY TO SEE
LIKE YOUR VISION
CONNECTIVE TISSUES ARE WHAT
SUPPORT PRETTY MUCH EVERY ASPECT OF YOUR BODY
SO MY CONNECTIVE TISSUES WHAT I'VE DISCOVERED
THEY DON'T STABILIZE OR AT LEAST OPERATE LIKE A NEUROTYPICAL BODY DOES
WHICH MEANS THAT MY BODY CAN'T BE OPERATED
USING THE SAME RULES AS A NEUROTYPICAL ONE
AND EXPECT TO FEEL WELL
I REALLY GREW UP IN THE WORLD OF
YOU ARE NEUROTYPICAL AND SO YOU BETTER ACT LIKE IT
SO
BUT THIS WAS NOT TRUE RIGHT
THAT'S KIND OF WHAT I'M TRYING TO CONVEY TODAY AND IT REALLY
REALLY IMPACTED MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY BODY BECAUSE LIKE I'M SAYING
IT TURNS OUT THAT MY BODY CAN'T BE OPERATED USING THOSE SAME RULES
I'M NOT NEUROTYPICAL
I AM NEURODIVERGENT SO AS SOMEBODY WHO WAS AN ATHLETE
I WAS A STUDENT ATHLETE AND I WAS A DANCER
I DID TAI BO AND BEACH BODY WORKOUTS
I RAN TWO MARATHONS
AND NOW AS SOMEBODY WHO'S AT AN AGE WHERE EVERYONE IS TELLING ME
I NEED TO THROW LARGE WEIGHTS AROUND RIGHT
LIKE THAT'S THE ONLY THING THAT'S GONNA KEEP ME STRONG
I'VE HAD TO REALLY STOP LISTENING TO ALL THE NOISE OUT THERE
REGARDING MOVEMENT AND EXERCISE
BECAUSE IT DOESN'T APPLY TO ME
AND MY BRAIN AND MY BODY AND THE CONNECTIVE TISSUES IN MY CELLS
SO I'VE HAD TO COMPLETELY REWORK MY RELATIONSHIP WITH FITNESS
AND CARING FOR MY UNIQUE STRUCTURE
SO AS A HUGE FAN OF CHIROPRACTIC
FOR EXAMPLE LIKE I'VE HAD TO BE VERY UM
COMMUNICATIVE WITH MY PRACTITIONERS
WHERE WE CAN'T DO AS MUCH TWISTING AND POPPING AND PULLING
LIKE AS MAYBE I WOULD HAVE DONE
YOU KNOW 15 YEARS AGO WITH ANOTHER PRACTITIONER
UM I ALSO
YOU KNOW
I HOPE THAT AT SOME POINT I CAN RETURN TO RUNNING
BUT FOR NOW NO MORE FAST PACED RUNS THAT LEAVE MY BODY INFLAMED
IN FACT LIKE A LOT OF CARDIO RIGHT NOW REALLY
UM JUST BURNS ME OUT
ALSO LIKE THINGS LIKE REPETITIVE LARGE MUSCLE MOVEMENTS THAT ARE LIKE
YOU KNOW
LIKE DO YOUR BICEP CURLS AND DO YOUR BENCH PRESSES AND DO YOUR SQUATS
LIKE THOSE ARE REPETITIVE LARGE MUSCLE MOVEMENTS
BUT THEY ACTUALLY I'M LEARNING AGGRAVATE MY CONNECTIVE TISSUE
SO I'VE HAD TO LEAVE BEHIND A LOT OF THE MESSAGING
THAT TELLS ME THAT THESE ARE THE THINGS THAT I NEED TO DO
OTHERWISE I WON'T BE HEALTHY AND STRONG BECAUSE AS IT TURNS OUT
IF MY WORKOUTS ARE PUTTING MY BODY
ESPECIALLY IN A FEMALE BODY RIGHT
LIKE UM
FEMALE ASSIGNED AT BIRTH BODY
WHERE OVARIES ARE PUMPING OUT ALL OF MY ENERGY RIGHT
THE ESTROGEN AND THE PROGESTERONE AND SOME TESTOSTERONE
LIKE WHEN I PUT MY BODY IN A STATE OF STRESS
BY DOING A LOT OF HEAVY WEIGHT LIFTING
OR DOING SOMETHING THAT REALLY MAKES ME BREATHLESS
ALL THIS DOES IS PUMP MORE CORTISOL INTO MY BLOOD
AND FOR A FEMALE BODY THAT MAKES MY BODY MORE INFLAMED
AND IT ACTUALLY PREVENTS ME FROM LOSING WEIGHT
IT PREVENTS ME FROM MEETING MY GOALS
LIKE NO MATTER HOW HARD I WORK
IF MY BODY IS IN A STATE OF STRESS
IT WILL RETAIN WEIGHT AND INFLAMMATION
AND IT WILL NOT BECOME MORE FUNCTIONAL NO MATTER HOW HARD I WORK
NEVER MIND THAT THE WHOLE THING MAKES ME MORE PRONE TO INJURIES NOW
WHEN I HAVE A LOT OF THEM
LIKE I HAVE A LONG INJURIES
AND PART OF THAT IS BECAUSE I WAS INDOCTRINATED INTO THE STRENGTH
BASED CARDIO CENTRIC WORKOUT WORLD
SO I'VE REALLY HAD TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT
THAT ACTUALLY WASN'T BUILT FOR SOMEONE LIKE ME
WITH THE CONNECTIVE SORT OF TISSUES THAT I HAVE
SO NOW I DO A WORKOUT PROGRAM
SPECIFICALLY DESIGNED TO FOSTER CONNECTIVITY
AND HOLISTIC INTEGRATION IN THE BODY
LIKE IT'S GENTLER AND IT'S SLOWER
BUT IT'S STILL CHALLENGING AND IT'S STILL STRENGTHENING
AND IT STILL MAKES ME SWEAT RIGHT
IT JUST USES BODY WEIGHT AS RESISTANCE
AND EMPHASIZES DEEP END RANGE MOVEMENTS
AND FOCUSES ON COMPREHENSIVE STABILITY
INSTEAD OF STRENGTHENING ONE SET OF MUSCLES AT A TIME
AND I ACTUALLY FEEL STRONGER AND MORE FIT NOW THAN I EVER DID
WHEN I WAS PUSHING MYSELF
THE WAY MOST FITNESS MODELS EMPHASIZE
PART OF THAT IS BECAUSE MY BODY IS NO LONGER
IN THAT STATE OF CONSTANT STRESS
AND INFLAMMATION
WHERE IT'S GONNA HOLD ON TO FAT AND HOLD ON TO WEIGHT
BUT ALSO I THINK
IT'S LARGELY BECAUSE I'M MOVING IN THE WAY MY SYSTEM WAS DESIGNED
SO MY INFLAMMATION HAS GONE DOWN
I'M NOT CONSTANTLY IN PAIN
I'M NOT INJURING MYSELF OVER AND OVER
I'M NOT MANAGING CONSTANT BURNOUT WHERE I CAN
YOU KNOW WORK
OUT FOR TWO MONTHS AND THEN I GET BORED OR I
I WORK OUT FOR TWO MONTHS AND THEN I'M TOO TIRED RIGHT
AND ALL OF THIS AT ITS HEART
HAS REALLY REQUIRED ME TO CHANGE MY MINDSET
BUT IT HAS BEEN SO LOVELY TO SEE MY BODY COME BACK ONLINE AND FINALLY
THE LAST THING I REALLY HAD TO ADDRESS FOR MYSELF
WHEN I REALLY GOT TO KNOW MY AUTISTIC IDENTITY
WAS HOW I THOUGHT ABOUT STRESS
RIGHT SO AS YOU KNOW NOW I NEED ALL THREE ASPECTS OF MY BODY
MIND RELATIONSHIP SYSTEM TO RESPOND TO STRESS
SO ALL THREE OF WHAT WE JUST TALKED ABOUT JUST COMES INTO PLAY RIGHT
SO LIKE MY PHYSICAL BODY AND THE CONNECTIVE TISSUES
MY MENTAL MIND AND THE EXECUTIVE FUNCTIONING
AND MY RELATIONSHIPS WHERE COMMUNICATION IS THE WAY WE CONNECT
SO MY BODY MIND
RELATIONSHIP SYSTEM THOSE ARE THREE THINGS THAT WE JUST DISCUSSED
WHICH ARE SIGNIFICANTLY IMPACTED BY MY AUTISTIC IDENTITY
AND WHAT WAS HAPPENING
AS I TRIED TO LIVE MY LIFE AS A NEUROTYPICAL PERSON
ALL THREE OF THESE AREAS BODY
MIND AND RELATIONSHIP
WERE BEING COMPROMISED
BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO OPERATE MY AUTISTIC IDENTITY
SO THEN IT NATURALLY DISRUPTED MY ABILITY TO RESPOND TO STRESS
BUT AS I STOPPED TRYING TO FORCE MY BRAIN TO WORK
LIKE A NEUROTYPICAL BRAIN
RIGHT LIKE MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY BODY MIND
RELATIONSHIP SYSTEM HAS IMPROVED
SO I STOPPED PUSHING MY BODY PAST ITS LIMITS
ONCE I UNDERSTOOD MY CONNECTIVE TISSUES
I ALLOWED MY MIND GRACE AS I GOT FAMILIAR WITH TASK SWITCHING
AND WHAT I NEEDED TO DO AROUND THAT
AND I STOPPED BLAMING MYSELF FOR COMMUNICATION
MISMATCHES
IN MY RELATIONSHIPS THAT WEREN'T ACTUALLY MY FAULT TO BEGIN WITH
SO WHEN I BETTER UNDERSTOOD AND OPERATED MY AUTISTIC BODY MIND
RELATIONSHIP SYSTEM IT WAS THROUGH THAT JOURNEY
THAT SHOWED ME HOW THE CONVENTIONAL STRESS MODEL DIDN'T SUPPORT
A NEURO DIVERGENT BRAIN
AND SO AS YOU KNOW I BUILT A NEW STRESS MODEL
ONE THAT HAS
MORE LANGUAGE TO DESCRIBE THE EXPERIENCES OF A SENSITIVE BRAIN
ONE THAT ACKNOWLEDGES THAT OTHER PEOPLE'S FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS
ARE JUST AS STRESSFUL AS THEIR ACTIONS
AND ONE THAT BUILDS SYSTEMATIC
LIKE STEP BY STEP METHODS THAT MAKE SENSE TO MY NEURODIVERGENT BRAIN
SO NOW AFTER EIGHT EPISODES
YOU'VE GOT THE GRAVITY POINT ORIGIN STORY
OR AT LEAST YOU KNOW THE CORE CONCEPTS THAT CAME OUT OF IT
SO WE CAN CONTINUE TO TALK ABOUT STRESS
AND TRAUMA IN A WAY THAT SERVES YOU WELL
HOPEFULLY YOU NOW UNDERSTAND STRESS AND TRAUMA BETTER
YOU SEE THE CONNECTION BETWEEN YOUR HEALING
AND HEALING THE ENTIRE WORLD
AND YOU CAN FEEL THE MAGNITUDE OF WHY YOUR HEALING IS MORE IMPORTANT
AT THIS MOMENT IN HISTORY
THAN EVER BEFORE
AND AFTER TODAY HOPEFULLY
YOU ALSO UNDERSTAND WHY IT WAS SO IMPORTANT FOR ME PERSONALLY
TO CREATE THIS WORK
I IT'S LIKE NOT AN EXAGGERATION TO SAY
I WOULD NOT BE HERE WITHOUT THIS WORK
I DON'T KNOW WHERE I'D BE
I DON'T KNOW IF I'D BE HERE AT ALL
BUT WITHOUT THIS WORK
LIKE I DON'T KNOW WHO I'D BE OR WHAT I'D BE OR IF I'D EVEN BE HERE
SO I DO THIS WORK BECAUSE I LOVE IT
AND I SHARE THE WORK BECAUSE I LOVE YOU AND I LOVE HUMANITY
I MEAN I MEAN
I DON'T ALWAYS LIKE HUMANITY
I DON'T ALWAYS AGREE WITH THE FOLKS WHO
YOU KNOW ARE SET ON DESTROYING THE WORLD
AND I CERTAINLY HAVE A LOT OF THINGS TO SAY ABOUT
WHERE THIS WORLD IS RIGHT NOW
BUT I DO LOVE HUMANITY HUMANS ARE AMAZING
I LOVE THE ART WE CREATE AND THE LAUGHS WE HAVE AND THE PLANTS WE GROW
THE LOVE WE SHARE AND LIKE EVERY LITTLE
LARGE AND LITTLE ACTION WE'RE TAKING RIGHT NOW TO HELP THIS WORLD
FULFILL ITS POTENTIAL
AND I LOVE THAT YOU SPENT YOUR TIME WITH ME TODAY
THANK YOU I SO APPRECIATE IT
PLEASE
CONSIDER SENDING THIS EPISODE TO SOMEONE WHO MIGHT NEED TO HEAR IT
I WOULD REALLY BE SO GRATEFUL
AND IF YOU'RE ABLE PLEASE RATE AND REVIEW THIS SHOW
SO WE CAN HELP THE ALGORITHM GET IT TO MORE PEOPLE
UNTIL NEXT TIME
TAKE CARE OF YOU
LIKE I MENTIONED
IF YOU WANT TO START RESOLVING STRESS AND TRAUMA RIGHT NOW
CLICK THE LINK IN THE DESCRIPTION TO DOWNLOAD THE FREE
GRAVITY POINT GUIDEBOOK
THE GRAVITY POINT PODCAST IS WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY ASHLEY ANNE
AND PRODUCED AND PUBLISHED BY PRESENCE MEDIA
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Discovering Autism at 29: What I Wish I'd Known

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