Why Perfectionism Is a Trauma Response (And What to Do About It)

March 30, 2026

Get the Gravity Point® Book: https://www.gravitypointinstitute.com/publications

In this episode, Ashley takes a deep look at one of the most misunderstood stress patterns: perfectionism. Not as a personality trait or a badge of honor, but as a trauma response, and one that may be keeping you more stuck than you realize.

For most of her life, Ashley thought she just had high standards. Straight A's for 24 years, from kindergarten through her PhD. Always getting her clothes, words, and everything right. It wasn't until her body burnt out, multiple times, that she had to face what was actually going on.

Perfectionism is armor. It's a strategy the body-mind-relationship system develops when it learns that being yourself, as you are, isn't safe. And while it feels like protection, it's actually an interrupted stress response cycle that compounds over time and embeds itself deeper with every use.

In this episode, Ashley explores:

- Why perfectionism is a trauma response, not a personality trait

- What "perfect" actually is, and how you absorbed that template from the people and systems around you

- Why perfectionism isn't about excellence, it's about exclusivity

- How perfectionism disrupts the stress response cycle and keeps you stuck

- Why perfectionists are more vulnerable to trauma than most people realize

- Three practical things you can do to start healing

If you've ever been told you're a perfectionist and took it as a compliment, this episode is for you.

🎧FREE RESOURCE Download the Gravity Point® Guidebook for a clear overview of the 20 stress responses and the full stress response cycle: https://www.gravitypointinstitute.com/free-guidebook?utm_source=apple-spotify&utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=009&utm_id=podcast-2026

Learn More about the Gravity Point® Paradigm here: https://www.gravitypointinstitute.com/

Gravity Point® is an educational framework for understanding stress responses. It is not a substitute for medical care, mental health treatment, or therapy.

We respectfully acknowledge that we operate within the unceded ancestral territories of the Nisenan, Southern Maidu, Valley and Plains Miwok, and Patwin Wintun peoples, and the Wilton Rancheria.

Music by SugarTape via YouTube Audio

Episode Transcript

FOR AT LEAST 24 YEARS
FROM KINDERGARTEN ALL THE WAY THROUGH MY PHD
I WAS A STRAIGHT A STUDENT
I SHOWED UP EARLY WORKED LATE
STAYED ORGANIZED AND NEVER
IF RARELY MAYBE RARELY
MISSED A DEADLINE
I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR WORE ALL THE RIGHT CLOTHES
I SAID THE RIGHT THINGS I LOOKED THE RIGHT WAY
I DID EVERYTHING I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO
AND HONESTLY
FOR MOST OF MY LIFE I THOUGHT THIS ALL CAME EASY TO ME
I THOUGHT I JUST HAD HIGH STANDARDS AND I WAS HIGH FUNCTIONING
THAT I WAS DISCIPLINED AND I CARED ABOUT QUALITY AND EXCELLENCE
LIKE I DIDN'T REALLY IDENTIFY AS A PERFECTIONIST
LIKE PEOPLE WILL SAY THAT I WAS A PERFECTIONIST
AND I KIND OF SHRUGGED IT OFF
INSTEAD BELIEVING THAT I WAS JUST SOMEONE WHO BELIEVES THAT ANYTHING
WORTH DOING IS WORTH DOING WELL
IT WASN'T UNTIL MY BODY BURNT OUT MULTIPLE TIMES AS AN ADULT
THAT I HAD TO TAKE A SERIOUS LOOK AT WHAT I THOUGHT WERE JUST QUOTE
HIGH STANDARDS IN MY LIFE
WHAT I EVENTUALLY REALIZED IS THAT PERFECTIONISM
ACTUALLY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH EXCELLENCE
IT'S ACTUALLY A DEFENSE MECHANISM
SO BEING PREOCCUPIED WITH DOING THE RIGHT THING
LOOKING THE RIGHT WAY SAYING THE RIGHT WORDS
IT WAS ALL A DISTRACTION
FROM THE UNDERLYING FEELING THAT NOTHING I DID
WAS EVER GOOD ENOUGH AND BECAUSE PERFECTION IS ACTUALLY IMPOSSIBLE
BECAUSE WE LIVE IN THIS MESSY WORLD OF BODIES AND PHYSICALITY
THAT CAN NEVER MATCH UP TO WHAT WE DREAM UP IN OUR MINDS
THAT FEELING WAS ACTUALLY TRUE RIGHT
THAT I COULD NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH
SO BY PUTTING PRESSURE ON MYSELF TO BE PERFECT
WHICH IS IMPOSSIBLE
I ACTUALLY ENSURED THAT WHATEVER I DID WOULD NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH
IT KIND OF KEPT ME IN THIS VICIOUS CYCLE OF
TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH SOMETHING OVER AND OVER AGAIN
BUT NEVER REALLY FEELING LIKE I DID
SO TODAY I WANNA HELP YOU UNDERSTAND THAT PERFECTIONISM IS ACTUALLY
A TRAUMA RESPONSE AND MORE IMPORTANTLY
IT'S SOMETHING YOU CAN HEAL
WELCOME TO THE GRAVITY POINT PODCAST
I'M YOUR HOST DR. ASHLEY ANNE
I USED TO BE A LICENSED TRAUMA THERAPIST AND UNIVERSITY PROFESSOR
BUT EVENTUALLY
I LEFT BOTH BEHIND BECAUSE I REALIZED I DIDN'T WANT TO TREAT ILLNESS
I WANTED TO PREVENT IT
THAT'S WHAT WE'LL EXPLORE TOGETHER ON THIS PODCAST
HOW TO RESOLVE STRESS AND TRAUMA BEFORE IT MAKES YOU SICK
IF YOU WANT TO LEARN THE COMPLETE METHOD TO RESOLVE STRESS AND TRAUMA
IN ANY TRIGGERING SITUATION
CLICK THE LINK IN THE DESCRIPTION
TO DOWNLOAD THE FREE GRAVITY POINT GUIDEBOOK TODAY
IN THE PREVIOUS EPISODE I SHARED MY AUTISM STORY
AND I MENTIONED THAT PERFECTIONISM WAS MY MASK
LIKE THE WAY THAT I SURVIVED TRYING TO FIT INTO A NEUROTYPICAL WORLD
BUT TODAY I WANT TO DIVE DEEPER INTO PERFECTIONISM ITSELF
BECAUSE PERFECTIONISM ISN'T ACTUALLY A PERSONALITY TRAIT
IT'S A TRAUMA RESPONSE SO
IT'S A WOUND CREATED WHEN YOUR SYSTEM LEARNS THAT BEING YOURSELF
ISN'T SAFE AND THAT WOUND DEVELOPS
BECAUSE YOU LEARN FROM OUTSIDE SOURCES THAT BEING YOU
AS YOU ARE
IS DANGEROUS IN SOME WAY SO
MAYBE IT WAS A CAREGIVER WHO GOT CONCERNED
ANYTIME YOUR GRADES DROPPED BELOW A B
SO STRAIGHT A'S KEPT THEM CONTENT AND OFF YOUR BACK
LIKE IT WAS QUIET AND PEACEFUL
BUT THEN IF YOU EVER GOT A LOWER GRADE
THERE WAS CONCERN OR CONFLICT
SO PERFECTIONISM DOESN'T ALWAYS COME FROM AVOIDING A PUNISHMENT
SOMETIMES IT JUST LIKE IS DESIGNED TO AVOID HAVING ANYTHING HAPPEN
RIGHT IT LIKE KEEPS THE PEACE
ANOTHER EXAMPLE MIGHT BE LIKE
YOU WERE BEING BULLIED OR TEASED FOR BEING DIFFERENT IN SOME WAY
SO FOR THE COLOR OF YOUR SKIN
THE WAY YOU WORE YOUR HAIR
THE PEOPLE YOU DATED THE CLOTHES YOU WORE
THE WAY YOU SPOKE
SO EVENTUALLY YOU LEARNED TO CAREFULLY MONITOR EVERYTHING YOU DID
TO AVOID GIVING PEOPLE MORE AMMUNITION
OR MAYBE IT WAS GROWING UP IN A CULTURE OR A RELIGION
WHERE MISTAKES WEREN'T
YOU KNOW LIKE THEY JUST WEREN'T ERRORS
THEY WEREN'T PART OF YOUR HUMANITY
LIKE THEY WERE MORAL FAILURES OF SOME SORT
OR MAYBE YOU WERE NEURODIVERGENT IN A NEUROTYPICAL WORLD
LIKE I WAS LIKE CONSTANTLY
RECEIVING THE MESSAGE THAT THE WAY THAT YOU EXPERIENCE LIFE
ISN'T ACCEPTABLE OR UNDERSTANDABLE
SO YOU HAD TO WORK REALLY HARD TO APPEAR NORMAL
OR YOU KNOW
MAYBE IT WAS SIMPLY THAT BEING COMPARED TO SIBLINGS OR CLASSMATES
OR FOLKS ON THE COVERS OF MAGAZINES
TO SOCIAL MEDIA INFLUENCERS OR TO CELEBRITIES AND
YOU KNOW
NOTICING IN THAT COMPARISON THAT YOU WERE ALWAYS FALLING SHORT
SO WHATEVER THE SOURCE RIGHT
IT'S ALWAYS SOME KIND OF PATTERN
BUT THE RESULT IS THE SAME
YOUR SYSTEM INTERNALIZES THE LESSON
THAT YOU'RE SAFER WHEN YOU'RE IN CONTROL
YOU'RE SAFER WHEN THERE'S A CERTAIN STANDARD OF SORT OF
QUALITY OF LIFE OR QUALITY OF BEING
OR WAY OF BEING THAT ACTUALLY
YOU NEED TO HIT IN ORDER TO KEEP YOURSELF IN THAT SAFETY
SO IN THIS WAY PERFECTIONISM IS ACTUALLY ARMOR
SO IT'S A WAY TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM REJECTION CRITICISM
ABANDONMENT OR GENUINE HARM
SO IF YOU CAN JUST BE OR LOOK OR SOUND OR ACT
ETCETERA PERFECTLY ENOUGH
YOU'LL STAY SAFE
BUT THAT ARMOR REALLY IS ACTUALLY AN INTERRUPTED STRESS RESPONSE CYCLE
OR A TRAUMA OR A WOUND
BECAUSE IT DISCONNECTS YOU FROM HOW YOU NATURALLY FEEL THINK ACT
ACT LOOK
LOVE LIVE AGAIN ETCETERA
LIKE ALL THE THINGS RIGHT
AND WHEN WE USE PERFECTIONISM OVER AND OVER AGAIN
THIS WOUND JUST GETS LIKE BIGGER
AND THE TRAUMA GETS EMBEDDED MORE DEEPLY
SO WHILE YOU'RE
HIGH STANDARDS
AND MORAL DISCIPLINE MIGHT FEEL LIKE IT'S PROTECTING YOU
PERFECTIONISM ACTUALLY REPLAYS A TRAUMA PATTERN
OVER AND OVER AGAIN EVERY TIME YOU USE IT
SO TODAY WE'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT WHAT PERFECTIONISM ACTUALLY IS
WHY IT DEVELOPS AS A TRAUMA RESPONSE
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY HOW TO HEAL IT
FIRST LET'S BE CLEAR ABOUT WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT
PERFECTIONISM IS NOT THE SAME THING AS HAVING HIGH STANDARDS
HIGH STANDARDS MEANS THAT YOU CARE ABOUT DOING THINGS WELL
YOU TAKE PRIDE IN YOUR WORK
YOU WANNA PRODUCE GOOD QUALITY
YOU WANNA LIVE YOUR LIFE ALIGNED WITH A CERTAIN SET OF VALUES
LIKE THAT'S AN INTEGRATIVE INTENTION AND IT KEEPS YOUR BODY
MIND AND RELATIONSHIPS CONNECTED
IT KEEPS YOU WHOLE
PERFECTIONISM ON THE OTHER HAND
IS THE BELIEF THAT ANYTHING LESS THAN PERFECTLY
MEETING THOSE STANDARDS EVERY TIME
LIKE THAT'S UNACCEPTABLE SO IT'S THE VOICE IN YOUR HEAD THAT SAYS
IF IT'S NOT FLAWLESS IT'S WORTHLESS
OR IF I'M NOT FLAWLESS I'M WORTHLESS
AND HERE'S THE CRUEL PART
LIKE PERFECTION IS ACTUALLY IMPOSSIBLE RIGHT
WHICH MEANS THAT IF YOU'RE A PERFECTIONIST
YOU'VE SET YOURSELF UP FOR GUARANTEED FAILURE
LIKE EVERY SINGLE TIME NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU WORK
HOW MUCH YOU IMPROVE HOW MUCH YOU CONTRIBUTE
HOW CLOSE YOU GET IT WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH
BECAUSE THERE'S ALWAYS SOMETHING THAT COULD BE BETTER
LIKE ALWAYS ONE MORE EDIT
ONE MORE TWEAK ONE MORE THING TO FIX BEFORE IT'S READY
SO YOU END UP STAYING STUCK
LIKE
ALWAYS REFINING AND NEVER FINISHING AND REALLY NEVER MAKING AN IMPACT
OR YOU JUST AVOID DOING SOMETHING ALL TOGETHER
SO THAT'S NOT HIGH STANDARDS
THAT'S ACTUALLY SELF SABOTAGE
WHICH WE'RE GONNA TALK ABOUT IN JUST A SECOND
SO THIS WHOLE PATTERN IT'S AN INTERRUPTED STRESS RESPONSE
WHICH AS YOU NOW KNOW IS TRAUMA
SO THAT'S REALLY WHAT PERFECTIONISM IS DESIGNED TO DO
IT DISRUPTS YOUR FEEL THINK
ACT
FLOW BECAUSE YOU'RE CONSTANTLY PERFECTING AND NEVER REALLY PRODUCING
SO WE'RE GONNA CONNECT PERFECTIONISM AND TRAUMA
BUT BEFORE WE DO
LET'S TALK ABOUT WHAT QUOTE
PERFECT ACTUALLY MEANS IN THIS CONTEXT
SO PERFECT IS ACTUALLY A PARADIGM
SO IT'S A FRAMEWORK IT'S A TEMPLATE YOU DEVELOP FOR HOW TO BE FEEL
THINK ACT
LOOK LIVE
AND LOVE THAT YOU LEARN FROM THE PEOPLE AND THE SYSTEMS AROUND YOU
SO WHAT MIGHT BE PERFECT TO ME MIGHT NOT BE PERFECT TO YOU
SO PERFECT IS SUBJECTIVE AND IT'S BUILT FROM
YOU KNOW ABSORBING THIS TEMPLATE FROM YOUR FAMILY PARTNERS
FRIENDS COMMUNITY CLASSMATES
CULTURE YOUR GOVERNMENT OR THE MEDIA THAT YOU CONSUME
AND THAT TEMPLATE
SORT OF BECOMES THE MEASURING STICK FOR WHETHER YOU'RE ACCEPTABLE
OR NOT
WHETHER YOU FEEL SAFE OR NOT
SO I'VE SAID THIS BEFORE AND I'LL SAY IT OFTEN
WE HUMANS ARE PROGRAMMED TO SURVIVE THROUGH SOCIAL CONNECTION
SO SAFETY IS ABOUT SOCIAL CONNECTION
LIKE WE'RE ONLY AT THE TOP OF THE FOOD CHAIN AS A SPECIES OR
YOU KNOW WE'VE KIND OF LEFT THE FOOD CHAIN ENTIRELY
BECAUSE WE LEARNED TO COORDINATE
CONNECT AND COLLABORATE WITH OTHER PEOPLE
THE SURVIVAL OF OUR SPECIES HAS ALWAYS DEPENDED ON BELONGING TO
A GROUP
WHICH MEANS THAT REJECTION IS A LIFE THREAT AND FITTING IN IS LIFE
YOU KNOW SAVING
SO WHEN YOUR SYSTEM LEARNS THAT BEING YOURSELF DOESN'T FIT
THE PERFECT TEMPLATE THAT YOU'VE LEARNED
LIKE THAT BEING IMPERFECT MEANS RISKING REJECTION
PERFECTIONISM BECOMES A STRATEGY YOU USE TO FEEL SAFE
LIKE YOU WORK TO MATCH THE TEMPLATE PERFECTLY
BECAUSE ANYTHING LESS FEELS DANGEROUS
AND I REALLY WANT TO EMPHASIZE HERE THAT THIS IS LARGELY UNCONSCIOUS
LIKE WE DON'T GROW UP BEING LIKE
OH YOU KNOW
SO THAT KID AT SCHOOL GOT BULLIED FOR WEARING THAT SHIRT
SO THAT MEANS I SHOULD NEVER WEAR A SHIRT LIKE THAT
OR YOU KNOW
YOU DON'T REALLY BECOME AWARE OF THE FACT THAT
YOU KNOW YOUR PARENTS REALLY NEED YOU TO BE A CERTAIN WAY
IT'S JUST THAT YOU ALWAYS CONSTANTLY HAVE LIKE
SOME KIND OF NEGATIVE EXPERIENCE OR
YOU KNOW THEY WITHDRAW FROM YOU WHEN YOU ARE A CERTAIN WAY
SO THIS DEVELOPMENT OF THIS PERFECT TEMPLATE THAT YOU HAVE
IT HAPPENS IN A MILLION DIFFERENT WAYS IN SOMETIMES SUBTLE
BUT SOMETIMES REALLY LOUD AND VIOLENT
RIGHT CIRCUMSTANCES THAT TEACH YOUR UNCONSCIOUS MIND
LIKE THEY TEACH YOUR BODY HOW TO BEHAVE
SOMETIMES IT'S OBVIOUS BUT A LOT OF TIMES IT'S NOT
SO JUST KEEP IN MIND THAT LIKE
MY PERFECT IS DIFFERENT THAN YOUR PERFECT
THEN YOU KNOW
OUR CULTURE THAT WE SHARE
OFTEN HAS KIND OF LIKE A SHARED PERFECT TEMPLATE
BUT IT REALLY IS ALL ABOUT CREATING THIS ARCHETYPE THAT WE'RE
SUPPOSED TO EMULATE OR FIT INTO
AND WHEN WE ARE OUTSIDE OF THAT TEMPLATE
THAT'S WHEN THE PERFECTIONISM KICKS ON RIGHT
THAT'S WHEN WE START TO FEEL LIKE OH
WE NEED TO TRY HARDER AND DO MORE AND BE A CERTAIN WAY
SO
YOU CAN PROBABLY UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE KIND OF BECOME PERFECTIONISTS
AND ACTUALLY LIKE
LET ME CORRECT THAT TERMINOLOGY
NO ONE IS ACTUALLY A PERFECTIONIST
LIKE IF YOU ARE A PERFECTIONIST
THEN IT'S WHO YOU ARE AND YOU CAN'T CHANGE THAT
BUT PERFECTIONISM IS NOT NECESSARILY A PERSONALITY
IT'S A TENDENCY
SO I FIND IT MORE HELPFUL TO RECOGNIZE LIKE KIND OF WITHIN OURSELVES
THESE PERFECTIONISTIC TENDENCIES
THESE HABITS THAT WE HAVE OF TRYING TO BE PERFECT
TENDENCIES CAN CHANGE AND HABITS CAN BE HEALED
SO
I THINK IT'S MORE HELPFUL TO THINK ABOUT PERFECTIONISM AS A TENDENCY
AND IT DEVELOPS AS A COPING MECHANISM
SO IT'S OUR STRATEGY IT'S NOT
YOU KNOW A CHARACTERISTIC OR A QUALITY OR A PERSONALITY TRAIT
AND IT COMES FROM TRYING TO HELP YOU SURVIVE RIGHT
SITUATIONS WHERE BEING YOURSELF OR BEING IMPERFECT
OUTSIDE OF THAT ARCHETYPE
IT FEELS UNSAFE
SO HERE ARE A FEW COMMON REASONS WHY WHY THIS MIGHT HAPPEN
SO YOU MIGHT DEVELOP PERFECTIONISTIC TENDENCIES TO CONFORM
SO IF YOU GROW UP
IN AN ENVIRONMENT
WHERE YOU HAVE TO PERFORM IN A CERTAIN WAY TO BE ACCEPTED
LOVED OR SAFE
PERFECTIONISM LIKE WE'RE TALKING ABOUT BECOMES A SURVIVAL STRATEGY
YOU LEARN THAT DETERRING FROM THAT ARCHETYPE CAN LEAD TO REJECTION
AND CRITICISM OR PUNISHMENT
OR IT DOESN'T GIVE YOU ATTENTION THAT YOU NEED RIGHT
SO YOU MIGHT WORK HARDER AND HARDER TO MATCH THE TEMPLATE
LIKE MORE FLAWLESSLY
OR YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY DEVELOP A PERFECTIONISTIC TENDENCY TO MASK
SO IF YOUR NATURAL WAY OF BEING DOESN'T MATCH WHAT'S EXPECTED
PERFECTIONISM BECOMES A MASK YOU WEAR
SO YOU FIGURE IF I CAN JUST BE PERFECT AT EVERYTHING ELSE
MAYBE NO ONE WILL NOTICE I'M DIFFERENT
YOU MIGHT ALSO SORT OF DEVELOP A PERFECTIONISTIC TENDENCY TO DISPLACE
CONTROL
ALRIGHT SO IN THIS CASE
YOU MIGHT ALSO DEVELOP
PERFECTIONISTIC TENDENCIES AS A FORM OF SELF SABOTAGE
AND THIS IS KIND OF INSIDIOUS TO ME
LIKE THIS IS THE ONE THAT CAN BE HARD TO SEE
SO WHEN THE REAL THREAT IN YOUR LIFE IS UNMANAGEABLE
AND WE WERE KIND OF TALKING ABOUT THIS JUST A SECOND AGO
BUT LIKE MAYBE THERE'S A BULLY YOU CAN'T CONFRONT
A PARENT YOU CAN'T REASON WITH
THE BIGOTED LAWS
YOU CAN'T CHANGE OR ANY OTHER SITUATION YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER
YOUR SYSTEM NEEDS TO FIND SOMEWHERE ELSE TO EXERT THAT CONTROL
SO INSTEAD OF DEFENDING AGAINST YOUR BULLY
WHICH WOULDN'T WORK ANYWAY AND MAY IN FACT MAKE IT WORSE
YOU BECOME OBSESSED WITH HOW YOU LOOK
HOW YOU SPEAK OR HOW YOU ACHIEVE
LIKE YOU POUR ALL THAT ENERGY INTO SOMETHING YOU CAN PERFECT
AND IT FEELS PRODUCTIVE BUT IT ACTUALLY KEEPS YOU BUSY
SO YOU NEVER HAVE TO FACE WHAT YOU'RE TRULY POWERLESS OVER
SO IN ACTUALITY
PERFECTIONISM USUALLY AT ITS ROOT ISN'T ABOUT EXCELLENCE
IT'S ABOUT AVOIDING BEING EXCLUDED RIGHT
IT'S THE CRITERIA RIGHT
THAT PERFECT TEMPLATE IS THE CRITERIA THAT WE'RE EXPECTED TO BE
IN ORDER TO SURVIVE OUR SOCIAL CIRCUMSTANCES
AND BECOME ACCEPTABLE TO OTHERS
AND HAVING THOSE PERFECTIONISTIC
TENDENCIES IS ALL ABOUT TRYING VERY HARD
TO BE ACCEPTABLE
NOW LET'S TALK ABOUT HOW THIS ALL RELATES TO STRESS
SO REMEMBER FROM EARLIER EPISODES
STRESS IS PRESSURE IT'S THE PRESSURE OF CHANGE PLACED ON YOUR BODY
MIND RELATIONSHIP SYSTEM
AND FIRST OF ALL HAVING PERFECTIONISTIC TENDENCIES
ADDS ANOTHER LAYER OF PRESSURE ON TOP OF THAT EXISTING STRESS
LIKE NOT ONLY ARE YOU DEALING WITH THE ORIGINAL PRESSURE
OF WHATEVER THE SITUATION IS
BY HAVING A PERFECTIONISTIC
SORT OF TEMPLATE THAT YOU HAVE TO LIVE UP TO
YOU'RE ALSO DEALING WITH THE PRESSURE TO RESPOND PERFECTLY
WHICH INHERENTLY IS OPPRESSIVE ITSELF
RIGHT BECAUSE IF PERFECT IS IMPOSSIBLE
AND THAT'S THE PRESSURE YOU'RE CREATING
YOU NEVER LIVE UP TO IT RIGHT
SO EVEN JUST ADDING THAT LAYER OF PERFECTIONISM
MAKES IT MORE LIKELY THAT YOU'RE GOING TO EXPERIENCE TRAUMA
CAUSE YOU'RE KIND OF MANAGING TWO SOURCES OF STRESS INSTEAD OF ONE
NOW ANOTHER WAY THAT THIS RELATES TO STRESS RIGHT
SO WHEN YOU ENCOUNTER A STRESSFUL SITUATION
YOUR SYSTEM NEEDS TO MOVE THROUGH THAT FEEL THINK
ACT FLOW YOU FEEL SENSATIONS IN YOUR BODY
YOU THINK STORIES IN YOUR MIND
YOU TAKE ACTION IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
AND THEN THAT ACTION CREATES AN IMPACT
THAT RESOLVES THE STRESS RIGHT
BUT PERFECTIONISM FUNDAMENTALLY DISRUPTS THE FEEL
THINK
ACT FLOW BECAUSE THE STRESS RESPONSE CYCLE NEVER REALLY COMPLETES
SO ONE OF TWO THINGS TENDS TO HAPPEN 1
YOU GET STUCK IN THE FEELING AND THINKING PHASE RIGHT
INSTEAD OF MOVING FROM FEELING TO THINKING TO ACTING
YOU LOOP
SO YOU FEEL SOMETHING AND YOU THINK ABOUT IT
AND THEN YOU'RE GONNA ANALYZE IT
AND THEN YOU QUESTION WHETHER YOU'RE FEELING THE RIGHT THING
YOU WONDER IF YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT IT CORRECTLY
YOU SECOND GUESS YOURSELF
OR MAYBE YOU TRY TO FIX YOUR HAIR IN THE MEANTIME
OR YOU DO A WORKOUT
YOU KNOW YOU SPEND EXTRA TIME ON A PROJECT
AND YOU KEEP CIRCLING BECAUSE YOU NEVER MOVE INTO ACTION RIGHT
YOU LIKE YOU NEVER REALLY MOVE INTO ACTION
BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT SURE IF YOUR ACTION WILL BE PERFECT
SO THAT'S ONE WAY
THAT YOU CAN KIND OF GET STUCK IN THAT STRESS RESPONSE CYCLE
AND IT BECOMES INTERRUPTED BECAUSE YOU NEVER GO TO THE STEP OF ACTION
OR TWO
YOU KEEP ACTING UNTIL IT'S PERFECT
SO MAYBE YOU DO TAKE THE ACTION
BUT THEN YOU REFINE IT AND YOU REFINE IT AND YOU REFINE IT AGAIN
SO YOU'RE CONSTANTLY TWEAKING AND EDITING AND IMPROVING
NEVER LETTING IT BE DONE AND NEVER ACTUALLY CREATING AN IMPACT RIGHT
THERE'S NO RESULT THERE'S NO PRODUCTION
BECAUSE YOU SPENT SO MUCH TIME RUMINATING AND SPIRALING
THAT YOU'RE NEVER PUTTING ANYTHING OUT INTO THE WORLD
AND HERE'S THE CORE PROBLEM
IN ALL OF THAT RIGHT
YOUR SENSE OF ACCOMPLISHMENT
IF YOU'RE USING PERFECTION AS YOUR ARCHETYPE
ONLY COMES FROM A PERFECT RESULT
WHICH MEANS THAT IT'S IMPOSSIBLE RIGHT
BECAUSE PERFECTION IS IMPOSSIBLE
SO YOU NEVER ACTUALLY EXPERIENCE COMPLETION
YOU NEVER GET THE SATISFACTION OF RESOLVING THE STRESS CYCLE
YOU NEVER MAKE THE IMPACT THAT WOULD DISCHARGE THE ENERGY
YOUR BODY CREATED RESPOND TO THE SITUATION
SO IN THIS WAY
WHETHER YOU GET STUCK IN FEELING
THINKING OR YOU ARE ACTING
ACTING ACTING OVER AND OVER AGAIN
LIKE PERFECTIONISM IS ESSENTIALLY A DISTRACTION
SO IF YOU'RE ALWAYS PREOCCUPIED WITH WHETHER YOU LOOK RIGHT
OR YOUR BODY'S RIGHT
YOU'RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO WHAT YOU ACTUALLY WANNA SAY
IF YOU'RE ENDLESSLY REFINING YOUR WORK
YOU'RE NOT PUTTING IT OUT INTO THE WORLD WHERE IT COULD HELP SOMEONE
IF YOU'RE OBSESSING OVER WHETHER YOUR HOUSE IS CLEAN ENOUGH
YOU ARE NOT PRESENT WITH THE PEOPLE IN IT
IF YOU'RE CONSTANTLY MONITORING
WHETHER YOU'RE BEING PERCEIVED CORRECTLY
YOU'RE NOT ACTUALLY CONNECTING AUTHENTICALLY
AND PERFECTIONISM WORKS AT A CULTURAL LEVEL TOO
SO CONSUMERISM FOR EXAMPLE
HAS A VERY VESTED INTEREST IN KEEPING YOU FOCUSED ON SELF IMPROVEMENT
AND CAPITALISM IS HUGELY INVESTED IN US
CONSTANTLY LOOKING FOR SOLUTIONS
SO A PERSON WHO IS ENDLESSLY PREOCCUPIED WITH FIXING THEMSELVES
OR SEEKING THE RIGHT SOLUTION
OR BUYING THINGS LIKE
THEY'RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THE WORLD
AROUND THEM AND THAT'S VERY USEFUL FOR THE PEOPLE AND SYSTEMS
WHO BENEFIT FROM YOUR INATTENTION
SO PERFECTIONISM KEEPS YOU BUSY
IT KEEPS YOU OCCUPIED
AND IT KEEPS YOU FEELING LIKE YOU'RE DOING SOMETHING
BUT AT ITS CORE
IT ACTUALLY KEEPS YOU FROM DOING WHAT YOU'RE ACTUALLY MEANT TO DO
IT KEEPS YOU FROM MAKING THE IMPACT YOU ARE UNIQUELY DESIGNED TO MAKE
IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS YOUR PARTNERSHIPS AT WORK
AT HOME IN THE ENVIRONMENT
IN YOUR GOVERNMENT IN YOUR COMMUNITY
AND I MEAN EVEN TALKING ABOUT THIS
LIKE DOESN'T IT FEEL CIRCULAR
YOU'RE TRYING TO BE PERFECT
BUT YOU CAN'T BE PERFECT
AND WHEN YOU FIND OUT YOU CAN'T BE PERFECT
YOU TRY TO BE PERFECT AGAIN
I MEAN
IT'S CIRCULAR LIKE IT'S A VICIOUS CYCLE
THAT'S THE WHOLE MECHANISM
IN FACT
PERFECTIONISM IS DESIGNED TO KEEP YOU TRAPPED IN AN ENDLESS LOOP
WHERE YOU'RE ALWAYS WORKING TOWARDS SOMETHING
BUT NEVER ARRIVING
LIKE ALWAYS TRYING BUT NEVER ACCOMPLISHING
LIKE ALWAYS PREPARING BUT NEVER PRODUCING
AND THIS IS WHY YOUR STRESS RESPONSE CYCLE NEVER FULLY
COMPLETES ITSELF
AND WHEN THE STRESS RESPONSE CAN'T RESOLVE IN AN INTEGRATED WAY
THAT PRESSURE ACCUMULATES
LIKE IT COMPOUNDS AND EVENTUALLY
YOUR SYSTEM BECOMES SO OVERWHELMED BY UNRESOLVED STRESS
THAT IT HAS TO INTERRUPT THE CYCLE TO PROTECT YOU
AND THAT IS TRAUMA
THIS IS WHY PERFECTIONISTS
RIGHT OR AS YOU'VE LEARNED TODAY
FOLKS WITH PERFECTIONISTIC TENDENCIES
THAT'S WHY WE'RE MORE VULNERABLE TO TRAUMA
AND I SAY WE BECAUSE I'M INCLUDED
NOT BECAUSE WE EXPERIENCE MORE STRESS THAN OTHER PEOPLE
BUT BECAUSE WE KIND OF ADD TO THE PRESSURE OF STRESS RIGHT
FIRST OF ALL CAUSE WE'RE USING PERFECT AS A STANDARD
AND THEN ALSO BECAUSE PERFECTION IS IMPOSSIBLE
WE NEVER ACTUALLY DO THE THING AND MAKE THE IMPACT
SO WE STAY STUCK AND STUCK
STRESS RESPONSES BECOME TRAUMA
SO IF YOU RECOGNIZE YOURSELF IN THIS PATTERN
WHAT YOU CAN DO
AND I KNOW I RECOGNIZE MYSELF FOR SURE RIGHT
SO HERE ARE A FEW THINGS THAT HAVE HELPED ME AND THAT MIGHT HELP YOU
TOO
1 NOTICE THE PERFECTIONISM AND STOP CALLING IT HIGH STANDARDS
START PAYING ATTENTION TO WHEN PERFECTIONISM SHOWS UP RIGHT
LIKE SEE IT WITHIN YOURSELF
NOTICE THE VOICE IN YOUR HEAD THAT SAYS
THIS ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH YET
NOTICE WHEN YOU'RE REFINING SOMETHING FOR THE FIFTH TIME
NOTICE WHEN YOU'RE PROCRASTINATING
DOING SOMETHING BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT SURE IT WILL BE PERFECT
AND STOP ROMANTICIZING IT
LIKE STOP TELLING YOURSELF THAT YOU JUST HAVE HIGH STANDARDS
OR THAT YOU CARE ABOUT QUALITY
CALL IT WHAT IT IS LIKE AT ITS HEART
PERFECTIONISM IS SELF SABOTAGE
LIKE IT'S EXCLUSION DRESSED UP AS EXCELLENT
AND IT'S REALLY KEEPING YOU STUCK
2
RECOGNIZE THAT PERFECTIONISM KEEPS YOU FROM MAKING ANY IMPACT
RIGHT THE GOAL IS NOT PERFECTION IN THIS WORLD
IT IS IMPOSSIBLE
THE GOAL IS IMPACT
RIGHT SO IF YOU'RE ENDLESSLY REFINING AND NEVER FINISHING
YOU'RE NOT MAKING ANY IMPACT AT ALL
YOU'RE PROTECTING YOURSELF FROM
YOU KNOW WHO KNOWS WHAT RIGHT
FOR EACH OF US IT'S DIFFERENT
SO FOR SOME OF US
WE'RE PROTECTING OURSELVES FROM THE POSSIBILITY OF FAILURE
SOME OF US ARE PROTECTING OURSELVES FROM IRRITATING OTHERS RIGHT
LIKE TRYING TO MAKE AN IMPACT'CAUSE SOME PEOPLE ARE NOT GONNA LIKE IT
AND SOME OF US ARE LIKE
PREVENTING OURSELVES FROM THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCCESS
RIGHT
AND ULTIMATELY THAT
PREVENTS US FROM CONNECTING TO FOLKS WHO NEED OUR IMPACT THE MOST
SO DONE IS BETTER THAN PERFECT
PROGRESS IS BETTER THAN PERFECTION
YOU NEED TO ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING
SO TAKE SOME SORT OF ACTION
MAKE AN IMPACT EVEN IF IT'S IMPERFECT
YOU CAN REFINE AS YOU GO ALONG RIGHT
FAIL FORWARD
BECAUSE THAT KIND OF
APPROACH TO YOUR LIFE IS GONNA HELP YOU COMPLETE THE STRESS
RESPONSE CYCLE BECAUSE AT LEAST YOU'RE FEELING THINKING
ACTING AND THEN YOU FEEL
THINK AND ACT AND THEN YOU FEEL
THINK AND ACT THAT'S HOW YOU RESOLVE THE ENERGY AND STAY REGULATED
AND 3 GET SUPPORT
WHEN YOU'RE SPIRALING IN PERFECTIONISM
YOU USUALLY HAVE SCRIPTS
RUNNING IN YOUR HEAD THAT NEED TO BE FACT CHECKED
BY OTHER PEOPLE SO YOU MIGHT BE SAYING TO YOURSELF
THIS ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH EVERYONE WILL JUDGE ME
OR LIKE THERE'S NO POINT IN DOING THIS AT ALL
THAT'S MY FAVORITE RIGHT
OR MY OTHER FAVORITE PATTERN IS LIKE
LET'S REDO THE WHOLE THING
LIKE THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH
SO LET'S START OVER
ALL OF THOSE THOUGHTS ARE GONNA FEEL REALLY TRUE
WHEN YOU'RE STUCK IN THEM
BUT THEY'RE OFTEN NOT SO REACH OUT TO PEOPLE YOU TRUST
NOT TO VENT OR TO SEEK THEIR VALIDATION RIGHT
BUT TO GET ENCOURAGEMENT TO GAIN COURAGE
LIKE LITERALLY RIGHT
SO ENCOURAGEMENT FROM KNOWING THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE THAT
YOU KNOW THEY DON'T REQUIRE YOU TO BE PERFECT
PEOPLE WHO VALUE YOU
EVEN WHEN YOU'RE MESSY AND IMPERFECT AND STILL FIGURING IT OUT
AND IF YOU DON'T HAVE THOSE PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE
GO OUT AND FIND THEM FRIEND
YOU ARE WORTHY OF ALL THE WONDERS OF THIS WORLD
PERFECTION BE DAMNED
SO KNOWING THIS FROM OTHER PEOPLE
THAT YOU'RE WORTHY EVEN WHEN YOU'RE NOT PERFECT
WHEN YOU'RE NOT FITTING INTO THAT TEMPLATE
THAT YOU LEARNED ALONG THE WAY
LIKE THAT CAN BE THE THING THAT REPAIRS YOUR STRESS RESPONSE CYCLE
HEALS YOUR TRAUMA AND HELPS YOU MOVE FORWARD IN MAKING THE IMPACT
ALIGNED WITH YOUR DIVINE DESIGN
SO PERFECTIONISM IS SNEAKY
IT MASQUERADES AS STRENGTH
WHEN IT'S ACTUALLY A SURVIVAL MECHANISM THAT'S KEEPING YOU STUCK
BUT WE DON'T NEED TO BE PERFECT TO BE WORTHY
AND WE DON'T NEED TO BE FLAWLESS TO MAKE A POSITIVE IMPACT
WE JUST NEED TO BE WILLING TO DO SOMETHING
EVEN IF IT'S IMPERFECT EVEN IF IT'S MESSY
EVEN IF IT'S NOT QUITE READY DONE
AND IMPERFECT IS INFINITELY MORE VALUABLE THAN PERFECT
AND NEVER FINISHED AT ALL RIGHT
SO THANK YOU FOR TUNING IN TO THIS IMPERFECT PODCAST
IF ANY OF THIS RESONATED WITH YOU
I REALLY HOPE YOU CONSIDER SHARING IT WITH SOMEONE
WHO MIGHT NEED TO HEAR IT
AND IF YOU CAN PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO RATE AND REVIEW THE PODCAST
CAUSE IT'S GONNA HELP US REACH MORE PEOPLE
UNTIL NEXT TIME PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOU
LIKE I MENTIONED
IF YOU WANT TO START RESOLVING STRESS AND TRAUMA RIGHT NOW
CLICK THE LINK IN THE DESCRIPTION TO DOWNLOAD THE FREE
GRAVITY POINT GUIDEBOOK
THE GRAVITY POINT PODCAST IS WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY ASHLEY ANNE
AND PRODUCED AND PUBLISHED BY PRESENCE MEDIA
LEARN MORE AT GRAVITY POINT INSTITUTE.COM

Why Perfectionism Is a Trauma Response (And What to Do About It)

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